2016 Week 4: Crown Royal, Love Gods Unloved

Crown Roof remains undefeated after week 4, after laying a beat-down on Team Kallander. The big difference in this one was the running backs. Zeke Elliot continues to pay dividends for Jeremiah, scoring 20 points in this outing. DeMarco Murray was the big gainer though, earning 23 points for Crown, equal to the starting quarterback, Derek Carr. Topping off Crown’s backfield was David Johnson’s 10 points. Add in a decent performance by the Denver D/ST, and the average performances by everyone else were enough to propel Crown Roof to victory. Kallander had two good performances in his skill positions, 14 by Chris Michael and 15 by Demaryius Thomas. The rest of his team fell flat, and it was particularly disappointing to see Matt Forte score only 3. Crown Roof beats Team Kallander, 115 – 74.

Another of our league scored 74 in a losing effort, and that was Nick Simon. Nick’s dA cHaMp tangled with Adrian’s Autopicker this week and the top of his board started strong, with Ben Roethlisberger scoring a fantastic 34 points. It went downhill from there though, as fast as an old East German two-man luge team: OBJ, 2 points. Stefon Diggs, 4. Jamaal Charles, 0. Kansas City D, -4. It wasn’t pretty. Adrian put together a balanced score, if just a bit light, led by Antonio Brown’s 18. If Carson Palmer had scored average for a QB, Adrian would have been in the mid-90s. But he did enough to win. Autopicker AD 90, dA cHaMp 74.

The Untarnished Krones hit the road against DigBick Imhof, a team with a star just off suspension: LeVeon Bell. Bell wasted no time putting his stamp on DigBick’s lineup, scoring 17 in his first outing of the year. The rest of Patrick’s scores were, like Adrian’s, about average, maybe a little light. There was one other standout though: TE Greg Olsen scored 15. Craig, on the other hand, got some excellent numbers out of A. J. Green: 10 receptions, 173 yards, and a TD for a total of 23 points. Tight end Kyle Rudolph also did well for Craig, scoring 11. Sadly, that was where the good news ended for the Krones. DigBick Imhof beat the Untarnished Krones 92 – 72.

The high-flying game this week was between Gronk ‘a Holic and Quagnis’ Bad FF Team. (Maybe Quagnis was the name of an old pet duck.) To be honest, Quagnis was let down by the Carolina D/ST (-1) and LeGarrette Blount (5). He would have been flirting with 140 had those two positions done as well as the rest of the team. The big scorer for Quagnis was Pittsburgh WR Julio Jones, who scored an incredible 36 points. To be fair, Gronky didn’t do too bad, throwing down the third-best score of the week. She just happened to be playing the guy with the best score. Anyway, Cam “Regress to the Mean” Newton had another poor week with only 15 points, while the team’s namesake, Rob Gronkowski, scored only a single point. Wide receiver Michael Crabtree tried to make up the difference with 26 points, but it wasn’t enough. In the end, Quagnis took the match, 117 – 103 over Gronk ‘a’ Holic.

And then there were the Nordic Love Gods. Coming off a win over the nemesis Krones, the Love Gods were hoping to hit .500. It was not to be. Jason’s team members each got dressed to play a rousing game of fantasy baseball. The high scorer on the team was the kicker, Adam Vinatieri (12). Only one other player, RB Lamar Miller, scored in double-digits, and just barely. Defending the West, meanwhile, had solid performances down the line, with running backs Melvin Gordon (17) and LeShawn McCoy (16) presenting themselves as the standouts. Looking at his team’s miserable score—43—after the dust settled on Sunday night, Jason muttered, “What the actual fuck,” before sabering a bottle of cheap tequila with a dull axe. Defending the West more than doubled up on the Nordic Love Gods, 99 – 43. There were other football teams that scored 43 over the weekend. In Washington, Gig Harbor High School beat Spanaway Lake, 43 – 7. The Eunice, New Mexico Cardinals beat the Tucumcari Rattlers 43 – 6. And in Nebraska, the Aurora Huskies pulled through after encountering a scrappy Crete Cardinals team, 43 –29. Jason shall look to each of these teams for inspiration next week.

Fun fact: a team of all Patriots players would have scored only 17 in week 4.

Good luck next week!

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