Eerily, it all Ties to Craig. Week 5, 2017

By Jason Gunderson

Oh DigBick, oh DigBick, today we salute you. Some people (*cough* Jeremiah) don’t like it when you win, but this week you kept Craig from winning his fourth in a row and he’s far more active on the text thread than you are. We might not have heard the end of it for days.

“I need a running back,” said Patrick some night prior to the week 5 contests. A combination of bye weeks and injuries left his team short one, but luckily Craig provided the answer: a proposed trade, running back Matt Forte for quarterback Drew Brees. Patrick jumped at the chance, even though it was almost certain Forte would not play the following Sunday. He had an extra QB and heavily considered future games, so he took the risk and started a guy who, it was confirmed Sunday morning, would not even play. It turns out Patrick didn’t need Forte after all. He rolled onto the virtual field with Aaron Rodgers, Davonte Adams, and Adam Vinatieri who combined for 59 points. The rest of Patrick’s team boosted his score to 92, but this really isn’t a story of Patrick winning as much as it is a story of Craig losing. Russell Wilson’s erratic year continued as he scored only ten points and the Krones’ starting running backs combined for nine. Craig’s squad posted a sub-par score, Patrick took home the dub 92 – 83, and The Untarnished Krones’ winning streak ended.

Fun fact: If Craig had thrown his new guy, Jerick McKinnon, in at either running back position or the flex, he would have won.

After a 1-4 start to the year, Mike Arnold looked to start a streak of his own as he took on Nick Simon. The standout on Mike’s team was Carson Wentz with 27, TE Kyle Rudolph added ten, and the Seattle D/ST threw in 12. On the other side, Nick’s team was fueled by decent performances by WR DeSean Jackson (ten), TE Cameron Brate and RB Zeke Elliot (12 each), and WR Will Fuller (17). Neither team scored particularly well on the whole, but Mike got the short end of this stick. Da ChAmP took the win from Rudolph the Red-Zone Reindeer, 87 – 82.

Fun fact: Like Craig, one substitution by Mike—putting Duke Johnson, Jr. in at either RB or the flex—would have given him the game.

Jeremiah Walter, who last year ran the table and told us all about it every damn week, finds himself in the middle of the pack this year. This week, he took on one of this year’s early favorites, Caleb Kallander. Like Craig’s match, this one isn’t a story of Caleb winning as much as it is one of Jeremiah losing. After all, Caleb’s team scored somewhere around average. Great scores by Cam Newton, Melvin Gordon, and Justin Tucker gave C Killin It K a great foundation with 66 points, which was enough to overcome shitty scores by the rest of his team. Caleb’s wide receivers and tight end, for example, all combined for ten points. But for Crown, the news was bad from top to bottom. Well that’s not entirely true: Jimmy Graham scored nine, which is decent for a tight end. However, Tommy B posted 12—a season low—giving Jeremiah zero chance in this one. C Killin It beats The Crown, 91 – 62.

Fun fact: No combination of substitutions would have given Jeremiah the victory. That’s how bad Brady screwed him.

Speaking of low-scoring quartebacks, Matt Stafford and Ben Roethlisberger took the field this week for Nicole Holand and Eric Martens. Jesus take the wheel, because both of these guys headed right into the ditch. Stafford was bad enough with 15, but Roethlisberger…if Stafford got out of the car, made his way up to the road and started hitchhiking, then Roethlisberger got out of his, replaced the gas cap with a Terrible Towel, and set the towel on fire. He threw FIVE interceptions and came out of the game with two points. Two. Because of Big Ben, Eric never stood a chance. Plus, Quag’s starting running backs scored eight and one, just like Craig’s. For Nicole, Leonard Fournette scored 30 playing Roethlisberger in real life, the rest of her team scored a little below average, and she took the victory. Gronk ‘a’ Holic beat Team Quagnis, 88 – 63.

The big surprise this week is two-fold: not only did the Nordic Love Gods beat perennial contender, King Slayer, but the Gods broke the season scoring record. The beginning of Slayer’s undoing was again poor quarterback performance, as Eli Manning scored only 13. Justin was also plagued by a bum week at RB and TE, the three of whom combined for nine points. For Jason, the big story was the quarterback-wide receiver duo of Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins: the two of them teamed up for 58 points. The Love Gods’ receivers added 32, and the defense and kicker tossed another 29 onto the pile. It didn’t matter that, like Craig, Jason had starting running backs that combined for nine points. For that matter, so did Justin. In one of their best games in three seasons, the Nordic Love Gods beat King Slayer, 132 – 73.

Good luck next week!


DigBick Loses and the Krones are Streaking! Week 4, 2017

Greg Zuerlein (4) kicks his way to 27points against the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday, Oct. 1, 2017, in Arlington, Texas. (AP Photo/Michael Ainsworth). 

By Jason Gunderson

“I smell victory in two leagues,” said Patrick at the close of fantasy business in week 3. Sure enough, he was correct and entered week 4 in our league as the only undefeated team. Then, like a gaht-damb Christmas ninja, Rudolph the Red-Zone Reindeer snuck up on ‘im and put his streak to an end. DigBick didn’t go down without a fight, however. This was a crazy back-and-forth battle, like a couple of black-robed lil’ bastards taking turns smacking each other with the nunchucks until one of them went down. At QB, Aaron Rodgers handily outscored Matt Ryan, favoring Patrick. Then Patrick’s running backs outscored Mike’s 25 – 12. Mike responded with a 27 – 11 edge in wide receivers. Patrick’s tight end went off for 17, while Mike’s only scored three. At the flex, Mike nabbed a 20-point edge. Then came the knockout blow: the Seattle defense, playing for Rudolph the Red-Zone Reindeer, scored 22 points against Indianapolis, while KC managed only eight against Washington. DigBick Imhof’s hopes for a tidy little four-pack of victories were dashed, as Rudolph edged him out, 99 – 93. Jeremiah was quick to thank Mike with a sloppy wet text message because hey, if he couldn’t be undefeated this year, then nobody else should, either. Asshole.

Speaking of Jeremiah Walter, he played a hungry Eric Martens this week, still looking for his first win. After scoring 110 in week 3, Eric knew his team was capable of victory. This week, Le’Veon Bell said, “I got this,” and proceeded to score almost a third of the Quagpoints, topping all starters in our League with 30. Kirk Cousins added 19 at quarterback, Chris Hogan racked up 12 in the flex, and the Cincinnati D held on for nine. On the other side of the field, Thomas E. P. Brady, Jr. and Kareem Hunt looked merely human again, scoring only 20 and 12, respectively. ‘Miah got a decent number out of Gronkowski—well, it was 8, but for most tight ends that’s decent—and that’s about where it ended. The rest of his team was anemic. Not the MOST anemic this week, but certainly below Jeremiah’s standards. Team Quagnis took its first 2017 victory from The Crown, 95 – 68.

The most-anemic honors this week went to Nicole Holand, who had SIX players score an average of three points each. It was pitiful. On Nicole’s roster, only two out of nine scored worth a shit. Even her quarterback, Tyrod Taylor, was sub-par with 12 measly points. Running back Leonard Fournette (19 points) and tight end Charles Clay (11) were the only positives in Nicole’s otherwise dismal afternoon. To make matters worse, Nicole’s opponent broke the season scoring record, racking up 131 points. Nick Simon continued his ride on the Zeke and Jordy Express, Zeke Elliot garnering 25 and Jordy Nelson posting 19. To be honest, everyone else on Nick’s team performed up to expectations, even Coby Fleener who scored two. (That guy still hasn’t found his groove in New Orleans. Kinda bugs me.) But then there was Greg Zuerlein, kicker for the Los Angeles Rams. The Rams went down to Dallas and beat the Cowboys largely on the strength of Zuerlein’s leg. Dude made seven of seven field goals (for decent length!) and added two points-after, racking up an astonishing 27 points for Nick. Da ChAmP resoundingly beat Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 131 – 60.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town the Nordic Love Gods took on the Untarnished Krones. Some of you will remember fondly that last year the Love Gods were nearly winless, but their only two victories came against the Krones. The Love Gods were hoping to continue that streak, thereby achieving Nemesis status. The Krones came in determined though, and spoiled the day. Bastards. Russell Wilson scored 26, Lamar Miller added 24, and Keenan Allen threw in 13 at the flex. It was a solid effort across the board except for Chris Johnson, who’s now being slowed down by too many bad tattoos. The Love Gods once again proved that 15 points spread among all fantasy skill positions is not going to win any games. Two running backs, two wide receivers, and one tight end could not manage more than 15. Pitiful. The lone bright spots in this contest for Jason were DeAndre Hopkins with 16, and Steven Gostkowski with 15. The Untarnished Krones whipped the Nordic Love Gods 112 – 64, winning their third in a row.

Fun fact: Both Jason and Patrick have Bacon numbers of 2 with Chris Johnson. Johnson used to flirt with Jason’s wife when she dropped Patrick’s older brother off at football camp.

Justin Walter’s skill positions managed to score 21 in his game against Caleb Kallander, and frankly it was almost enough. Caleb’s team was also abysmal. Well, Larry Fitzgerald and the Minnesota defense managed nine which was okay, but nothing spectacular. The guy who saved Caleb’s ass this week was Todd Gurley. Gurley went down to Dallas and racked up a hundred twenty-something rushing yards, over ninety receiving yards, and a touchdown for a total outing of 27 points. For Justin, C.J. Anderson and the Jacksonville defense both scored…oh who are we kidding, there was nothing remarkable about anyone’s performance in Slayerville. Frankly, it was a crappy game for both men, except one of them had Todd Gurley. C Killin it K out-limped King Slayer, 75 – 63.

The Nemesis Bowl, Week 3, 2017

By Jason Gunderson

Another great week of contests is in the books, my friends. As usual, we had some barn-burners as well as some snoozers out of our teams. In the Nemesis Bowl, Jason Gunderson and his Nordic Love Gods faced off against Jeremiah Walter and his Crown. For Jason, WR Odell Beckham, Jr. Finally performed up to his first-round expectations, scoring 19. Running back Chris Thompson of the Washington Redskins continued to perform well, with 24 points. Sadly, the rest of Jason’s team suited up for fantasy baseball. Between the QB, starting RB, two WRs, and the TE, Jason’s team put up fifteen points. Total. It was disgraceful. On the other side of the field, Tommy B. scored 35 alone at QB, Kareem Hunt had 24, and Sammie Watkins added 22. That trio of guys beat Jason’s whole team, and they did it handily. Jason has never beaten Jeremiah in his three seasons in the League, but has another chance later this year. Crown ended up doubling the Love Gods, 130 – 65.

Speaking of finally performing, Russell Wilson decided this was his week to fully lace up the sneaks. After a couple of sub-par performances for him, Wilson orchestrated his personal scorecard to 32 points, tying for the second-place point-getter in our League this week with RB Todd Gurley. Wilson was the QB for the Untarnished Krones, who played King Slayer. The Slayer’s GM, Justin Walter, always a gentleman, decided to spot the Krones 6 points at the outset by starting the Ravens’ D, who got the shit kicked out of them by Jacksonville in London. Seeing he was up six points, Craig said, ‘No no, I will MATCH your minus six points, as I have the Buccaneers’ defense!’ Like two old men trying to waive each other through at a four-way stop, neither Craig nor Justin wanted to really start the game. Wilson finally stepped in and got things going for the Krones, and his 19-point differential over Slayer’s Carson Wentz was almost the entire difference in this game. The Untarnished Krones beat King Slayer, 73 – 51.

There was another game this week in which the defenses tried to give the thing away, and that was between Nicole Holand and Mike Arnold. The Eagles, playing for Gronk ‘a’ Holic said, “Hey…we want to take it easy on you guys, so we’ll only score one point.” The Seahawks, on behalf of the Red-Zone Reindeer, said, “Bullshit. We’re having NONE OF your charity. Hold our beers.” Then they scored -4. Meanwhile, Nicole’s running backs outscored Mike’s 15 – 11, Mike’s wide receivers outscored Nicole’s 15 – 9, and Nicole’s QB evened up the score on the top half of the card. The big difference was made in the bottom of the lineup, where Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill hauled in 14 points for Nicole (to seven points for Ameer Abdullah), and her kicker, Detroit’s Matt Prater, outscored some Italian dude named Tavecchio from Oakland, 19 – 4. Gronk ‘a’ Holic ran away…no, hobbled off really…with this one, 74 – 46 over Rudolph the Red-Zone Reindeer.

Todd Gurley and Stefon Diggs. Surely, Caleb Kallander will hang Fatheads of these two on his bedroom wall after this week. The two of them, among the top of their respective positions, scored well over half of Caleb’s points in his match against Nick Simon. Gurley led the way with 32 and Diggs was a nice one-handed floater away from matching him, with 29. On the other hand, Nick had some good performances out of Zeke Elliot, Delvin Cook, and Jordy Nelson with 15, 22, and 17, respectively, but that’s about where his good day ended. Mediocre scores by the Broncos (6) and Jameis Winston (15) were clearly not enough. Even though QB Derrick Carr scored only four for Caleb, C Killin It K topped dA ChAmP, 104 – 88. For Caleb, a couple of roster changes at QB and WR would have pumped his score to 126, a sign that a little more time listening to podcasts could make this the team to beat this year.

The marquis contest this week ended up being between DigBick Imhof and Team Quagnis. The top scorer for both gentlemen (ahem) was 26, scored by Patrick’s RB, Jordan Howard and Eric’s QB, Kirk Cousins. Up and down the scorecard, these guys were close. Patrick pulled out to an early lead, but Eric slowly clawed his way back into it. By Monday, the Quags had pulled within 10, and Eric had a kicker yet to play. Given that his own kicker had already scored 14 in this one, Patrick was resting anything but easy. Alas, Dallas was able to move effectively through the red zone agaist Arizona, keeping kicker Dan Bailey from kicking any field goals. His four eztra points were not enough, and Team Quagnis was DigBicked, 116 – 110. Two things are particularly infuriating for Eric in this deal: 1) He had the third-highest point total of the week, he just happened to be going up against the guy who had the second-highest, and 2) one substitution at either WR or Flex and he would have won.

Fun facts: Patrick Imhof stands alone at 3 – 0, and Caleb Kallander had the deepest bench, with 76 points.

Good luck next week!