Weeks 8 – 11 Summary

By Jason Gunderson

Here we are folks, on the verge of the playoffs. Week 12 is underway, and the playoff picture is starting to solidify. Caleb is currently in first place, Eric is second, Patrick is third, and all three are locked into the top bracket. Mathematically, everyone else is still alive. How did we get here?

In week 8, in a stunning upset three seasons in the making, the Nordic Love Gods shellacked The Crown by 47, and thus Jason shook the monkey in the Jeremiah mask from his back. The Love Gods, with that victory and the highest point total of the week, suddenly felt alive. It’s too bad both Jeremiah and Jason were in the bottom half of the West division. On the upper West side, Craig flexed his muscle, grabbing the top spot from Caleb for the first time. See, in the cross-division contest, C Killin ran into the DigBick buzzsaw, leaving the door to the top of the division open. The Krones took advantage of the opening, dispatching King Slayer by nearly 40 and waltzing through. In the East, Quagnis edged out Gronk ‘a’ Holic to stay in playoff contention, while Nick continued to slide, getting pushed off the week’s sleigh by the Red Zone Reindeer. With his win over Caleb, Patrick remains on top of the East.

Nordic Love Gods 122, The Crown 75
Rudolph the Red Zone Reindeer 88, dA ChaMp 84
DigBick Imhof 106, C Killin It K 72
Team Quagnis 76, Gronk ‘a’ Holic 73
Untarnished Krones 104, King Slayer 68

The big news in week 9 was the blockbuster trade between the Nordic Love Gods and the Untarnished Krones. Heartbroken after QB Deshaun Watson went down in practice this week, the Love Gods, in the midst of a northward turn on the season, were in desperate need of a replacement to keep it going. With a top-20 running back to give (Alvin Kamara) and another with a ton of potential and a new team (Jay Ajayi), the Love Gods went shopping. The Untarnished Krones happened to have two top-quality QBs on the roster and were willing to deal. In the end, Russell Wilson and WR Keenan Allen became Love Gods, while Kamara and Ajayi went to the Krones. There were plenty of naysayers who at first thought the deal was lopsided, but almost all of them visited the Untarnished Front Office the following week to see if they could grab a running back or two from Craig’s RB-heavy team.

The trade ended up being beneficial for both teams, as anticipated. Russell Wilson led the Love Gods to a victory over King Slayer, while Alvin Kamara and Jay Ajayi both played well for the Krones. The trouble with the Krones this week was Cincinnati receiver A.J. Green, who tried to commit a murder on the field. And when the murder attempt failed, he punched the guy. Repeatedly. All before he scored his first point for the Krones. He could have propelled the Krones to victory over C Killin It K, but he didn’t. As a result, C Killin It K moved back into first place in the West.

Quagnis and DigBick continued to duke it out in the East, with both earning victories this week. And in the cross-divisional contest, The Crown scraped together a victory over Da ChAmP. Nick Simon’s team continues to falter, even with Zeke Elliott on the field. What will happen when Elliott’s lawers run out of options?

DigBick Imhof 105, Gronk ‘a’ Holic 82
The Crown 72, da CHAmp 70
Team Quagnis 97, Rudolph the Red Zone Reindeer 85
C Killin It K 88, Untarnished Krones 77
Nordic Love Gods 76, King Slayer 69

Da ChamP and the Nordic Love Gods face the toughest two end-of-year schedules starting in week 10, and both teams started that stretch badly. Zeke Elliott finally started his six-game sit-down, leaving Nick to choose between starting Theo Riddick and Thomas Rawls in Zeke’s place. Nick chose correctly, but still lost the game. Meanwhile, the Love Gods had C Killin It K by the short hairs going into the Monday night contest, up by 44 points. But Cam Newton, playing for Caleb, has finally settled into his groove this year (after starting the year a Love God, by the way) and put up 35 points. Graham Cano added 10, and the Love Gods’ disappointment was as palpable as Killin It’s exuberance.

In other action, King Slayer did his part to keep DigBick humble in week 10, while the Krones managed to hold down a rabid Red Zone Reindeer. In the House of Two Walters (in all but name), Nicole beat up on her fiancé, ensuring both of them remain near the bottom of their respective divisions.

C Killin It K 99, Nordic Love Gods 98
Untarnished Krones 87, Rudolph the Red Zone Reindeer 83
Gronk ‘a’ Holic 92, The Crown 74
King Slayer 95, DigBick Imhof 62
Team Quagnis 100, dA cHaMp 86

In week 11, dA cHaMp’s woes continued as he dropped a big one…rather it was King Slayer who dropped a big one on dA cHaMp. The other Walter brother wasn’t so lucky, as a resurgent Red Zone Reindeer, with a laser focus on making the championship bracket, took out The Crown this week. C Killin It K continued his league-leading dominance with a win over Gronk ‘a’ Holic, and the Untarnished Krones, scoring their third-highest numbers of the season, lost to Team Quagnis. The Nordic Love Gods shocked everyone, including themselves, with the season-high score of 153 as they rolled over DigBick, without the help of TE Jason Witten.

Rudolph the Red Zone Reindeer 107, The Crown 64
Team Quagnis 112, Untarnished Krones 101
King Slayer 94, dA cHaMp 56
C Killin It K 96, Gronk ‘a’ Holic 77
Nordic Love Gods 153, DigBick Imhof 81

At the end of week 11, the Love Gods found themselves in the top playoff bracket for the first time this season, with a record of 5 – 6. It’s clear that SOMEONE, maybe even more than one team, is going to make the playoffs with a record of 6 – 7, and it could be anyone other than Caleb, Eric, or Patrick (those guys are already locked in). We are in store for a potentially wild finish to the year. If Team Quagnis and The Crown can both win this week, the last week will be nutty indeed.

Week 7, King Slayer Takes the Battle of the Brothers

By Jason Gunderson

It’s always exciting when the Battle of the Brothers rolls into town. Jeremiah’s tone becomes just a little more civil, while Justin’s does the opposite, again, by just a little. Then most of us root for Justin. This was not the high-scoring affair we would expect from these two guys. On the contrary, most of their players underperformed a bit. For Jeremiah, Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, and Kareem Hunt looked merely mortal, scoring 17, 5, and 11, respectively. Nothing stellar. Even ‘Miah’s kicker scored only 6, which happened to be equal to or better than both his wide receivers. For Justin, the QB (Mariota) and RBs (Montgomery and Anderson) were, frankly, dismal. However, the rest of his team scored an average of 11.5 points, giving him enough for a seven-point margin of victory without the QB or either RB. Justin would have been looking at a 110-point game if those guys had shown up. The points at the top of the card, usually the foundation of every team, were merely the icing on the cake for Justin, as he took Jeremiah to the cleaners. King Slayer defeated The Crown, 82 – 62.

A very similar game unfolded when Quags rolled into town to play with the Dig Bick. It’s rare that a player scores negative points in a game, but it happens a few times each year. What is even more spectacular—and not in a good way—is when two players on the same team score negative points in the same week. Such was Patrick’s fate this week, as the Chiefs’ defense and the Atlanta kicker both gave their points away. Between the two positions, Patrick was down by 6. In fact, like the Walter Bowl this week, the game was won on the bottom of the scorecard. From the tight end down, Eric’s guys put up 47 more points than Patrick’s, only one point shy of the 48-point margin of victory. The highlight for Patrick was a 29-point day out of Dak Prescott. Eric put together a well-balanced attack (except for Denver WR Demaryius Thomas) and Team Quagnis ran away with this one, 110 – 62 over DigBick Imhof.

Gronk ‘a’ Holic, struggling to break free from the middle of the pack, visited dA cHaMp this week, hoping Zeke Elliot would finally be riding the pine for his 6-game suspension. Luck, and Elliot’s attorneys, were not on Nicole’s side, however, and boy did Zeke take advantage of THAT situation. Let’s pretend Zeke scores 18 in this one. That’s a great number for a running back. Eighteen would have tied the game. But Zeke took a dump on that number like a Russian prostitute giving Donald Trump a Moscow steamer. No, Zeke scored thirty-nine. 39! Three touchdowns, 147 yards rushing, and over 70 yards through the air. Even though most of Nick’s team suited up for fantasy baseball this week, Zeke secured Da WiN for dA cHaMp, 109 – 88 over Gronk ‘a’ Holic.

On the top of the West division, Caleb Kallander hosted Mike Arnold this week. Caleb was hoping to extend his lead over his West rivals, but Mike was in town to play spoiler. Caleb’s team dropped the proverbial ball at four positions: QB, RB, WR, and FLEX. Cam Newton scored 7, stepping on the already low bar he established for himself at the beginning of this season. Melvin Gordon gained 38 yards for the Chargers and three points for Caleb, his second-lowest total this season. Finally, Larry Fitzgerald, all-around good guy who does a shit-ton for his community, didn’t help Caleb at all as he tied his lowest performance of 2017 with two points. Marshawn Lynch went Beast Mode in Oakland’s one-point loss to Kansas City this week, only it was Beast Mode on a couple of ham sandwiches with some bad mayo. Nine yards. Nine. Zero points for Caleb. On the other side, it wasn’t that Mike had a spectacular game, he went out like a Dirty Jobs cameraman and got it done. Jarvis Landry hauled in 15 at the flex, Matty Ice put up a so-so 16, and LeSean McCoy landed 22. It was more than enough, and Rudolph the Red Zone Reindeer took down C Killin It K, 86 – 70.

After scoring 132 in week five and 95 in week six, the Nordic Love Gods were feeling pretty good about their matchup with the Untarnished Krones. The Krones had taken their last head-to-head, so the Love Gods had revenge on the brain. Sadly for the Gods, QB Carson Palmer broke his left arm early in his game this week, ending his day with two points. Sadly, the Love Gods also had Arizona WR Josh Brown on the starting roster, and his day ended with one catch, six yards, and zero points. And thus went the game for Jason. Mark Ingram, Hunter Henry, and Stephen Gostkowski all did fine but everyone else on the roster stunk it up. The Krones were a little light in the running-back department, with only nine points between them, but Jordan Reed and the Rams defense blazed a trail for the rest of the team. Had his RBs scored worth a shit, Craig’s team would have scored nearly 120, but the Untarnished Krones ran away with this one regardless, 97 – 47.

Week 6, Nicole Convinces the New England D to Play

By Jason Gunderson

Another fantastic week in the books, my, um, friends. We had a brawl in the middle, a couple of squeakers, a high-scoring affair, and a bona-fide ass kicking.

Struggling in the middle of each of their conferences, Nicole Holand made a visit to Justin Walter this week. RB Leonard Fournette answered Nicole’s call and came to play, and somehow she actually convinced the New England Patriots defense to show up as well. They amassed six huge points, outscoring the opposing defense by two. Unfortunately for Nicole, Fournette’s 19 points were the end of the good stuff. As though she just finished her last Mary Jane and discovered she was out of Doritos, Nicole scoured the cupboard for more points and came up with unusable shit like rice and ketchup packets. Almost all of Justin’s team heard his rallying cry, with his only two snoozers (aside from the Atlanta defense) being RB C. J. Anderson and WR Devin Funchness. The two of them combined for a measly four points. Had those two performed, Justin could have scored 110 points. As it turned out, he didn’t need them as King Slayer beat Gronk ‘a’ Holic 93 – 78.

“FUCK!” posted Patrick to the group thread early in the first quarter of the Green Bay-Minnesota game. Patrick’s favorite QB, Aaron Rodgers, had just gone down with a broken collarbone after amassing a total of zero points. Patrick was playing Nick, who had started Jameis Winston at QB, so things were looking bleak indeed. Alas, Nick’s own troubles were about to begin, starting with Winston and descending clear past his second wide receiver, who happened to be Jordy Nelson, himself a victim to Rodgers’ injury. The top five positions on dA ChAmP garnered a total of nineteen points among them, a season record for shittiness in the major skills. Still, there was a chance for Nick to win this sumbitch. While Patricks running backs and receivers did fine, his bottom four scored 16, leaving the door open. Alas, it was not Nick’s day. Excellent production from TE Cameron Brate, WR Will Fuller (fifth of his name!) and kicker Greg Zuerlein fell frustratingly short for Nick, and DigBick Imhof stole the dub from da chAMP, 65 – 63.

Meanwhile, Jeremiah Walter took on Craig Ericson this week in a battle for the heart of the West. Craig used the time-honored Start-Whichever-Defense-Plays-Cleveland strategy and the Houston Texans answered the call brilliantly, building a 23-point foundation for him. Sadly for Craig, however, his flex guy, Randall Cobb, was directly affected by Aaron Rodger’s absence and scored only two, at the same time the aging Drew Brees also flagged, bringing in a mere eight points. On the other side, Jeremiah had decent play from most everyone, and he was once again the beneficiary of the Brady-Gronkowski connection, with Brady posting 16 and the Gronkster adding 20. This was a game of what-ifs for Crag: If McKinnon had gained a single more yard, the game would have gone to the tiebreakers. If Brees had only thrown one fewer interception, or if McKinnon had not fumbled, Craig would have won the game. Alas, it was not to be and The Crown squeaked this one out, 94 – 93 over the Untarnished Krones.

The high-scoring game this week took place when Caleb Kallander’s C Killin It K took on Jason Gunderson’s Nordic Love Gods. Both these general managers, being knowledgeable men of good moral character and intestinal fortitude, put up good numbers without a fuss. To put this one succinctly, Caleb made better choices for his starting lineup. A stellar running-back corps was basically the difference, as Melvin Gordon and Todd Gurley together scored 37 points for Caleb, compared to 17 points from Jason’s backs. Jason had the points to win on his bench, but alas, that’s where they stayed. Caleb won the Battle of the Gents as C Killin It K topped the Nordic Love Gods, 117 – 95.

There was an ass kickin’ this week, and it took place between Eric Martens and Mike Arnold. Eric got some crappy play out of Carolina running back Johnathan Stewart and New England wide receiver Chris Hogan who, together, managed 15 yards and a single point of production. But that’s where it ended. The rest of Eric’s team ran up and down the field for 116 total points. For Mike, Miami wide receiver Jarvis Landry was the only bright spot with 12 points in the flex. Everyone else stunk it up. Team Quagnis easily took this one, 116 – 49 over Rudolph the Red-Zone Reindeer. On the bright side, Mike’s top five scored more than nineteen points. Hey, you gotta search for the good sometimes.