2018 Week Two: C Killin it K Posts Top-10 Score

By Jason Gunderson

Week two has come and gone in the Grown Mens League, and when the dust settled we found that some things change and some stay the same. On the change front, the Walter brothers find themselves cozying up to one another at the bottom of their division and Vegas Mike is leading his. On the flip side, where things stay the same, Caleb is near the top of his division, with Craig the only guy in his way. But it’s the big W’s that count, and Craig not only has those, he has the points to vault him ahead of Mike to put him into the League’s top spot.

Caleb Kallander reached the top of Mount Scoresalot this week by riding on the mule-like backs of Todd Gurley, Cam Newton, and Stefon Diggs. The rest of Caleb’s lineup performed as about expected, but those three guys carried the load, accounted for 82 points. Nick Simon put up a team that scored a respectable number, with TE Travis Kelce surprising everyone with 22 points. Nick would have beaten five other people this week, but in the end lost to Caleb by 48. C Killin it K put up a top-ten-all-time score while beating dA cHaMp, 141 – 93. Caleb is this author’s early favorite to win the League Cup this year.

Eric Martens played host to a hungry Patrick Imhof this week. Last year’s runner-up, Imhof, was looking to crawl out of the cellar that was week one’s dismal performance, while Martens was also trying to shake a first-week loss. He was trying to shake that first loss so badly, he made more moves during the week than any other team: five. This was a classic skill-position see-saw: Patrick had the better running backs, Eric had the better receivers. Patrick took the TE and Flex battle, while the defensive struggle went to Eric. Quarterbacks aside, the two “gentlemen” were separated by only two points. But oh what a difference the QB made! Aaron Rodgers was, frankly, mortal. Nursing a bum knee, he only put up 15 points. On the other hand, Ben Roethlisberger pulled a game out of his gigantic and aging ass that was, quite simply, remarkable. Dude threw SIXTY passes! That’s about as many total plays as an average team runs on any given Sunday. That’s insane. He connected on 39 of those for 452 yards and three touchdowns, then rushed for another TD. The Pittsburgh signal caller, and man who knows Le’Veon Bell isn’t coming back anytime soon, put up 38 points for Eric. Quagnis took the win over DigBickImhof, 116 – 91.

Week one’s top points man, Craig Ericson, looked to keep his winning streak alive against Justin Walter. This game ended up being, shall we say, a moderate blowout. It wasn’t the barn burner Caleb’s was, but it was one-sided. At every position except tight end and defense, Craig came out on top. Patrick Mahomes, Craig’s most prescient draft pick, put up 38 points this week, while Christian McCaffrey added 13. On the other hand, the bright spot for Justin was the Chargers’ defense, which grabbed eleven. The Untarnished (yet really, really tarnished, I mean holy shit have those ladies seen some action) Krones notched up another victory, beating King Slayer, 97 – 75.

Coming off week one wins, Nicole Holand visited Mike Arnold’s virtual home this week to battle for the top spot in the East. “Trust me, I’m a doctor,” said Mike as he opened the door.

“Ew,” replied Nicole, as she took out her taser.

Sadly for Nicole, the Ravens defense decided to sit out this game, allowing the Eagles of Milford High School, a local Cincinnati area school, to play in their stead. Having just beaten Walnut Hills (coincidentally also the Eagles) 42 – 21, Milford was feeling pretty good about themselves. Predictably, the Cincinnati Bengals scored 34 on them before easing up, putting those poor kids squarely in their place. Nicole’s defense scored -2 while Mike’s scored eleven, and it was by exactly this margin that Dr. Vegas Mike beat Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 93 – 80. It should be noted, however, that Melvin Gordon did very well for Nicole and was the top point-getter in the entire match, with 23. Oh…and go Milford!

The Nordic Love Gods had a bye this week, but agreed to scrimmage Crown in order to stay fresh for week 3. GM Jason Gunderson was pleased with his receiver corps: Starters Deandre Hopkins and Davante Adams continued to carry high workloads for the squad, and the pre-game addition of Desean Jackson added significant depth to the bench. The scrimmage did reveal some concerns: Jay Ajayi’s back requires some attention in the coming week, and the kicker and defensive play were nothing short of dismal. Like the Vikings this week, expect some cuts from the Love Gods. Jeremiah Walter got some decent numbers out of his receivers this week as well, but the rest of the team had a poor showing, bless their hearts. The vaunted Rams offense even let Jeremiah down, as kicker Greg Zuerlein blew a nut—pulled his groin, I mean—before scoring a single point. At the end of the day, the Nordic Love Gods beat The Crown 80 – 65. The Nordic Love Gods’ bench also beat The Crown, 71 – 65.

The Untarnished Krones and Dr. Vegas Mike are the League’s only unbeaten teams, while C Killin it K is the commanding points leader. Let’s see what they can do in week three; good luck everyone!

2018 Week One Recap

By NOT Jason Gunderson

Welcome back GMs to another year of the Grown Men’s League.  This year, recap duties will me split between myself, Dr. Vegas Mike, and the handsome man you see up on the left, Jason Gunderson.   While my grammar may not be perfect, I will do my best to at least keep this more readable than a Jeremiah Walter text message.  Commas will be used, excessively, like really excessively, without much rhyme or reason.  You will soon learn that while I like commas, I have about as much success using them as Nordic does trying to figure out who to play in his starting lineup vs who to keep on his bench.

Oh yeah, shots will be fired.  You have all been warned.

So, with no more further ado, or commas, at least for the introduction, I give you your week one recap.

Let us start with the match-up that had the most on the line for week one, myself and Nordic Love Gods.  Jason and I decided we would split the weekly recap duties this year to give ol’ Nordic a break from having to do them every week.  We also decided the winner of our match up would write the first recap and spend a copious amount of time giving the loser no small amount of grief.  It is not typically in my nature to be rude to someone, but a bet is a bet so I suppose I will give it a shot.

I should start by prefacing that I have nothing against the elderly.  Getting older is a part of life and we should all try to understand the plights of age.   You see, when people get older they start to lose the use of their basic faculties.  Responsibilities become harder to keep up with,  menial tasks become burdens, minds and bowels run excessively.  With that being said, it is completely understandable that Jason feels unable to keep up with his duties as the leagues only writer.  I am happy to help.  I am just that kind of guy.

Rudolph 105, Nordic 91

In an effort to abstain from writing duties for at least one more week, Nordic decided to keep his two top scoring players on the bench.  Or maybe that was an effort to win the “highest bench points trophy”  I promised him.  News flash:  There is no trophy.  Sorry, Jason.  I could harp on and on about how I had a decent week employing my balanced attack across all positions, except for Jimmy Graham, btw fuck you Jimmy Graham, but chances are Nordic has had to retire to take his afternoon nap by now so I won’t waste my breath, or words, or commas.  It was a good battle.  It came down to the wire and the best team prevailed.  Speaking of coming down to the wire. . .

GRONK ‘a’ HOLIC 114, Little Dick 69

Wait, did I say down to the wire?  My bad.  This was a blow out.   To put into perspective how big of a blowout this was, Little Dick could have added all the points from his bench to his final score and he STILL would have lost by five points.  Ouch.  Sure, Little Dick had more than his fair share of week one injuries, even his points leader was a hobbled one-legged QB, but fact is it still probably wouldn’t have mattered because GRONK ‘a’ HOLIC came to play in week one.  After not having the player for which her namesake was derived last year, GRONK ‘a’ HOLIC doubled down by stacking Rob Gronkowski with the ageless wonder, Tom Brady.   Add that to the compliment of charachters that include Melvin Gordon and Adam Thielen and she will be looking to keep the momentum going and make some noise this year in the Grown Men’s League.  Wait, scratch that.   I just remembered I play her week two.  Nicole has a terrible team and is clearly doomed.  Sorry, Nicole, we can’t all be winners and I want to win.  Speaking of winners, the next winner is. . .

THE CROWN 106, King Slayer 90

First off, if a team’s name is in all caps then do I have to type it in all caps whenever I mention them?  In the last match-up I just wrote, having to repeatedly type ‘GRONK ‘a’ HOLIC’ was frankly really annoying.  Yes?  No?  Whatever.  FINE I’ll WRITE IT IN ALL CAPS. Sorry, I digress.  Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah. . .

THE CROWN 106, King Slayer 90

The week one battle of the brothers goes to THE CROWN.  Despite a contract hold-out from his first round pick, Le’Veon Bell, THE CROWN still managed triple digits in his double digit victory.  King Slayer could have had the victory, but decided to play Amari ‘I Can’t Catch The Ball’ Cooper in favor of Kenny Stills.  THE CROWN’s decision to take Greg ‘The Leg’ Zurlein and the Jaguars D earlier than might be expected in the draft paid off in a big way.  The duo combined for a total of 29 fantasy points to go along with Joe Mixon’s 20.  The jury is out on how long THE CROWN will have to try to sustain success without his first round pick, but so far so good.  As for King Slayer, he will need to hope to garner his first win next week against a team that I am too lazy to look up.  Speaking of lazy. . .

Quagnis 84, Da Champ 116

Da Champ was the sole missing GM from the draft party but was still rewarded with a week one win.  The universe is unfair.  I suppose we can forgive Nick his absence being as he lives in the cities, which is quite a ways away.   Much farther than, say, Nashville if my geography is correct.  Is that right?  Maybe not?  Although he failed to make an appearance, he still drafted and what a draft he had.  In a a bold move, Da Champ took a player that will miss the entire season with a knee injury, a kicker, another kicker, and some other guys.   Next year I may employ the same strategy because it seemed to work out pretty damn well.  Tyreek was spectacular and Adrian Peterson and Julio Jones proved age is just a number and put up big week one performances.  Like I said earlier, we should respect old people.  I got your back, Nordic.  Da Champ stomped all over a confident Quagnis sending the ‘angry little man’ into a fit of depression that has lasted for days.  The last I heard from Quagnis he was on a spiritual journey of sorts in search of the fabled ‘fantasy gods’ to ask for advice and beg forgiveness for any past transgressions.  We wish Quagnis luck on his journey and a safe return.  Speaking of luck. . .

C Killin it K 110, Untarnished Krones 118

Just kidding about the luck thing, kinda.  Craig had a good draft.  He has a good team.  That being said, if C Killin it K would have forgot to start a defense he would have won.  Negative 9.  Ouch.  In the closest match-up in week one, C Killin it K drew the short straw being the only team to score triple digits and still lose.  He had a good performance from Le’Veon Bell’s replacement, James Conner, who earned him 28 points, but fell short anyways.  Fun Fact:  C Killin it K took Conner in the very last round, with the very last pick.  While we were all talking about whether THE CROWN made a mistake taking Bell with the contract situation, C Killin it K turned and asked me, “Wait, who is the backup Pit RB?”  Sigh.  I feel like we all failed on that one.   Anyway, Krones had some fire-power of his own week one with his Rookie QB, Mahomes, and Alvin Kamara scoring a total of 61 points on their own.  Krones was the leading week one scorer across the league and that was with McCaffrey having a bad game.  It was a good match-up, but to the Krones go the spoils.

Well, there you have it.  Week one is in the books and Week two is now upon us.  Half of the league is unbeaten and the other half is searching for their first win of the season.   If any of you feel I was too hard on you, then just remember it is all in good fun and if you don’t like to be verbally abused you should probably just try to win next time.

Dr. Vegas Mike