Week 6 2018 Recap: Nordic Crushed, Krones on Top. And other Games.

By Jason Gunderson

Week 6 of our 2018 campaign arrived on the autumn wind, full of promise and pumpkin spice for some, while for others the cold chill was a bad omen indeed.

The Walter brothers squared off in one of their semi-yearly matches, Jeremiah hoping to tie Justin’s record and muddy up the middle of the division, while Justin tries to climb the divisional ladder. Le’Veon Bell is still missing from Jeremiah’s team, but frankly it wouldn’t have mattered in this one. Andrew Luck got a perfectly fine 22 points for ‘Miah, RB Joe Mixon tossed in 14, and kicker Ka’imi Fairbairn scored 8. The rest of the team put their haughty little middle fingers in the air and walked away. Four points from RB Jordan Howard LED THE WAY for the rest of the team. FOUR! WR Sterling Shepard got 3, TE Jordan Reed, 3. WRs John Brown and Antonio Callaway got 2, and the Jacksonville defense licked their middle fingers and mimed shoving them up their own asses as they scored -1. It’s a shitty situation that the most remarkable thing about this game was how hard Jeremiah’s team let him down. Meanwhile, Justin’s team did well. Marshawn Lynch fell short of expectations by scoring only 5, but the rest of the team performed at or above scratch: Matt Ryan, 27. Sony Michel, 22. Antonio Brown, 16. Hell, even the kicker, Dan Bailey, had 10. It was a fine game for Justin, as King Slayer nearly doubled up on The Crown, 104 – 57.

In an identical situation in the East, Nicole Holand took her G’Holics to face Nick Simon’s Champ, hoping to crawl one more rung up the ladder herself. Once the scores started coming in, it was clear this one had disaster written all over it for Nick, save for WR Tyreek Hill and kicker Matt Bryant. Bryant scored 13 for Nick’s squad, while Tyreek Hill put his speed on display and dialed it up to eleven. That fucker had only seven receptions, but he was clearly open as he garnered 142 yards and three touchdowns with only seven catches. Dude was all over the field. The rest of Nick’s team fell apart, though not as bad as Jeremiah’s. Nicole, however, came to play. Melvin Gordon led the way with three touchdowns and 132 yards rushing, plus another point for a sweet grab. He ended the game with 32 points of his own, and a nod of mutual respect passed virtually between Melvin and Tyreek. Tom Brady scored 21, the Baltimore defense got 19, and Adam Thielen threw in 18. Oh, and because Gronk is in her team name, we should mention that he scored 9 for Nicole. Nicole did what she came to do. Gronk ‘a’ Holic took this one from da Champ, 121 – 94, and moved ahead of Nick in the standings.

Also in the East, Patrick set out to save his heretofore dismal season by taking on Eric and the Mighty Quagnisses. Quagnis the Great? Quagniscenti? We still have no idea what a Quagnis is. Sounds like an Irish duck. Anyway, Patrick had a pretty decent game. Aaron Rodgers scored 28, which one might reasonably expect from a Pocket Legend (that’s what she said). Kareem Hunt displayed some of his 2017 brilliance on his way to 24, and the rest of the team did, well, okay. Then along came Stephen Gostkowski and said, “Climb on, boys, I’m taking us to the Promised Land.” He scored 22, an absolutely stellar performance for a kicker. Eric, meanwhile, did not fare as well. David Johnson is not having the year he had in 2016, though he is still scoring WAY more points than Le’Veon Bell. He ended with 10. RB Tarik Cohen scored 16, and JuJu scored 13. DigBick Imhof beat $Quagnis$ 100 – 74. With his win, Patrick climbed out of the bottom of the League and kept Eric from tying for the best record.

Another guy vying for the best record this week was Mike Arnold, who took his 4 – 1 team to meet Caleb Kallander’s 3 – 2 Killers. This one was another blowout in favor of Caleb: Gurley, 33. Conner, 24. Newton, 23. Boyd (who?) 18. Houston D, 21. Three of his guys didn’t bother to show up (Diggs, Fuller, and Tucker), otherwise he could have scored 160 or more. I mean…fuck. Mike tried to rally his troops, giving a rousing locker room speech before only the two Elliotts, Zeke and Jake, ran fired up out onto the field. Jimmy Graham joined them reluctantly and the trio scored 36 for Mike, over half his points. Deshaun Watson somehow managed to stay in the top 10 of quarterbacks after scoring only five points, and everyone else pretty much stunk as well. C Killin it K also nearly doubled up on his opponent, beating Dr. Vegas Mike 138 – 70. 

The Nordic Love Gods came into week 6 feeling, well, unloved, yet somehow optimistic, even though he was going against the League’s top banana, the Untarnished Krones. Jason looked at his lineup throughout the week and felt good. Craig even conceded the game might be close. Then the Thursday game came along, and with it Saquon Barkley and his 28 points. Things were looking up—way up—for the Love Gods. Then in strolled Sunday. Jared Goff, George Kittle, the Miami defense, and Ryan Succop all shit the bed, combining for 12 points. Twelve. Apparently, the Rams’ game script this week was “Let Gurley do it all. Yes, I mean all of it.” Jared Goff came away from his game with seven whole points. It was a crushing blow for Jason. Meanwhile, throughout the day, Craig’s squad slowly erased the 28-point deficit Barkley had put them in. Sure, Craig’s running backs were no good this week, as Alvin Kamara was on a bye; Christian McCaffrey and Aaron Jones combined for only 10. The rest of Craig’s team, however, went off. Mahomes, 26. Butker (the kicker), 18. Sanders, 17. It was a good game all around for the Krones. Davante Adams tried to keep the game close for the Love Gods, and indeed his 25-point performance made this the closest game of the week in our League. In the end, the Untarnished Krones became the sole possessor of a 5 – 1 record and the Nordic Love Gods became the only team to sit at 1 – 5. The final here was 116 – 97. Jason Gunderson was seen shortly after the loss in a rainy, cobblestone alley, kneeling on the ground, his arms outstretched to the sky as he yelled to the dark heavens, “Whhhhhhyyyyyyy!” A wet, grizzled dog started to sniff around his ankles, looking for a spot to pee.

Week 4 2018 Recap: The Points! All the Points!

By Jason Gunderson

Craig Ericson, GM of our Untarnished Krones, has had a rule of thumb for years: Try to get 94 points each weak. Over a thirteen-week season, that’s 1,222 points, which is pretty good. Last year, Caleb won the points trophy with almost exactly that: 1,215 points. As you can plainly see, 94 points per game would have topped all teams in last year’s points race. In fact, the average weekly score during the 2017 season was 86. In week 4, our average across the League was 106 points. 106! There was only ONE team that got fewer than 94 points, ol’ Little Dick’s, which served as the League anchor at 85. From another perspective, twice in the first four weeks have the Nordic Love Gods scored over 100, and both times they lost. There’s something in the Gatorade next to the offensive coordinators, I’m telling you.

Patrick Imhof’s DigBick Imhof played virtual host to Craig Ericson’s Untarnished Krones this week, and it was never really a game. There was an hour or two on Sunday where their point totals were about the same, but the ESPN projection never wavered from Craig’s direction. Craig tried to help as best he could by sending the Cleveland D/ST out onto the field, a move that lost him three points. But like I said, this one was never really in doubt. For the third time in four weeks, the powerhouse duo of Patrick Mahomes and Alvin Kamara scored over half of Craig’s points (a weakness?). Carlos Hyde scored 14 and Aaron Jones added 13 to help propel the Untarnished Krones to 109. Meanwhile, Kareem Hunt and Brandin Cooks were the only bright spots on Patrick’s team, with only one other person (Aaron Rodgers) scoring in double digits. He had only 14, to come in third in scoring on Patrick’s team. In the end, the Untarnished Krones clamped down on DigBick Imhof like an East German female shotputter’s Kegel, 109 – 85. Untarnished is, so far, untarnished with a record of 4 – 0.

Next up, Nicole Holand took her freaky show on the road to visit Eric Martens. This one was indeed freaky, only because the sources of both teams’ points were wack af. Quarterbacks Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger tallied some shitty numbers (18 and 14, respectively), while the RB2s on both teams combined for one whole point. One. At least Melvin Gordon and Adam Thielen were the top scorers for Nicole…Eric’s top guy was tight end Jared Cook, with 23 points. Eric’s number two was kicker Will Lutz, who put 16 points on the board for the Quags. In a phrase perhaps never uttered in an NFL game booth, “the dominant performances of the kicker and the tight end brought home the victory” for Quagnis, 107 – 94 over Gronk ‘A’ Holic.

Mike Arnold rolled up on Nick Simon this week, trying to extend his dominance in the division. Deshaun Watson and Zeke Elliott looked primed and ready to go for Mike. Nick weren’t skeered tho, as he rolled out Dalvin Cook, Javorius Allen, Julio Jones, and Tyreek Hill. Sadly for Nick, three of those guys said, “fuck you” and shit the proverbial bed. Julio Jones was the only guy who performed worth a damn, garnering 17 points. Golden Tate, a product of Catholic school in Nashville, Tennessee, took pity on Nick and tried to make up for the lack of performance from the rest of the guys, scoring a better-than-expected 25 points. On the other side, Watson and Elliott were indeed ready to go, as they put up 60 for Mike. In the end, dA cHaMp scored 104, but was edged out by Dr. Vegas Mike’s 109. With this victory, Mike joins Craig as the only unbeaten teams in the League.

Jeremiah Walter’s team looked unexpectedly strong this week as he took on Caleb Kallendar. QB Andy Dalton put up a respectable 24, and ‘Miah’s WR corps of John Brown and Sterling Shepard added 32. Even his defense and kicker did well, tallying 24. Where Jeremiah got absolutely fucked was at running back: Jordan Howard limped around the field for two, while Lamar Miller fared only slightly better, whacking a defensive tackle with his crutches on his way to four whole points. Six points total at RB1 and RB2 just ain’t going to cut it, kids. Still, Jeremiah managed to claw his way to 101 points, which was remarkable, all things considered. Meanwhile, Caleb’s team rolled again, though not with as much steam as other weeks. Kirk Cousins put up 30, Todd Gurley had 21, and Diggs added 12. If we’re going to give the game ball to a single player in this one, it goes to Gurley. C Killin’ It K defeated The Crown, 117 – 101.

The high scoring game this week went down between Justin Walter and Jason Gunderson. Justin’s team put forth a well-balanced effort, a veritable how-to of fantasy football. Was it the highest score ever? No, but it was the highest score this week, with the potential to be in the 140s—and among the league’s top 10 scores—had OBJ and the Chargers defense done their jobs. Sadly for Justin, OBJ had an anemic seven points, while the Chargers ended their game with a paltry 4. On the other side of the scoreboard, TE George Kittle was the big surprise for Jason, scoring 18 points. DeAndre Hopkins scored a nice 22, while Saquon Barkley tossed in 15. It was Drew Brees who really let the team down with only eight points. Tevin Coleman and Davante Adams virtually tied for second in the disappointment category, with seven and eight, respectively. And the Jets’ D…don’t get me started. Still, Jason somehow managed 105 points, but it was King Slayer who took this one handily, 129 – 105.

Join us next week as the Krones and Dr. Mike try to stay unbeaten against Crown and Quagnis…

(Cliffhanger, duh duh duuuuuhhhhh)