Week 4 2018 Recap: The Points! All the Points!

By Jason Gunderson

Craig Ericson, GM of our Untarnished Krones, has had a rule of thumb for years: Try to get 94 points each weak. Over a thirteen-week season, that’s 1,222 points, which is pretty good. Last year, Caleb won the points trophy with almost exactly that: 1,215 points. As you can plainly see, 94 points per game would have topped all teams in last year’s points race. In fact, the average weekly score during the 2017 season was 86. In week 4, our average across the League was 106 points. 106! There was only ONE team that got fewer than 94 points, ol’ Little Dick’s, which served as the League anchor at 85. From another perspective, twice in the first four weeks have the Nordic Love Gods scored over 100, and both times they lost. There’s something in the Gatorade next to the offensive coordinators, I’m telling you.

Patrick Imhof’s DigBick Imhof played virtual host to Craig Ericson’s Untarnished Krones this week, and it was never really a game. There was an hour or two on Sunday where their point totals were about the same, but the ESPN projection never wavered from Craig’s direction. Craig tried to help as best he could by sending the Cleveland D/ST out onto the field, a move that lost him three points. But like I said, this one was never really in doubt. For the third time in four weeks, the powerhouse duo of Patrick Mahomes and Alvin Kamara scored over half of Craig’s points (a weakness?). Carlos Hyde scored 14 and Aaron Jones added 13 to help propel the Untarnished Krones to 109. Meanwhile, Kareem Hunt and Brandin Cooks were the only bright spots on Patrick’s team, with only one other person (Aaron Rodgers) scoring in double digits. He had only 14, to come in third in scoring on Patrick’s team. In the end, the Untarnished Krones clamped down on DigBick Imhof like an East German female shotputter’s Kegel, 109 – 85. Untarnished is, so far, untarnished with a record of 4 – 0.

Next up, Nicole Holand took her freaky show on the road to visit Eric Martens. This one was indeed freaky, only because the sources of both teams’ points were wack af. Quarterbacks Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger tallied some shitty numbers (18 and 14, respectively), while the RB2s on both teams combined for one whole point. One. At least Melvin Gordon and Adam Thielen were the top scorers for Nicole…Eric’s top guy was tight end Jared Cook, with 23 points. Eric’s number two was kicker Will Lutz, who put 16 points on the board for the Quags. In a phrase perhaps never uttered in an NFL game booth, “the dominant performances of the kicker and the tight end brought home the victory” for Quagnis, 107 – 94 over Gronk ‘A’ Holic.

Mike Arnold rolled up on Nick Simon this week, trying to extend his dominance in the division. Deshaun Watson and Zeke Elliott looked primed and ready to go for Mike. Nick weren’t skeered tho, as he rolled out Dalvin Cook, Javorius Allen, Julio Jones, and Tyreek Hill. Sadly for Nick, three of those guys said, “fuck you” and shit the proverbial bed. Julio Jones was the only guy who performed worth a damn, garnering 17 points. Golden Tate, a product of Catholic school in Nashville, Tennessee, took pity on Nick and tried to make up for the lack of performance from the rest of the guys, scoring a better-than-expected 25 points. On the other side, Watson and Elliott were indeed ready to go, as they put up 60 for Mike. In the end, dA cHaMp scored 104, but was edged out by Dr. Vegas Mike’s 109. With this victory, Mike joins Craig as the only unbeaten teams in the League.

Jeremiah Walter’s team looked unexpectedly strong this week as he took on Caleb Kallendar. QB Andy Dalton put up a respectable 24, and ‘Miah’s WR corps of John Brown and Sterling Shepard added 32. Even his defense and kicker did well, tallying 24. Where Jeremiah got absolutely fucked was at running back: Jordan Howard limped around the field for two, while Lamar Miller fared only slightly better, whacking a defensive tackle with his crutches on his way to four whole points. Six points total at RB1 and RB2 just ain’t going to cut it, kids. Still, Jeremiah managed to claw his way to 101 points, which was remarkable, all things considered. Meanwhile, Caleb’s team rolled again, though not with as much steam as other weeks. Kirk Cousins put up 30, Todd Gurley had 21, and Diggs added 12. If we’re going to give the game ball to a single player in this one, it goes to Gurley. C Killin’ It K defeated The Crown, 117 – 101.

The high scoring game this week went down between Justin Walter and Jason Gunderson. Justin’s team put forth a well-balanced effort, a veritable how-to of fantasy football. Was it the highest score ever? No, but it was the highest score this week, with the potential to be in the 140s—and among the league’s top 10 scores—had OBJ and the Chargers defense done their jobs. Sadly for Justin, OBJ had an anemic seven points, while the Chargers ended their game with a paltry 4. On the other side of the scoreboard, TE George Kittle was the big surprise for Jason, scoring 18 points. DeAndre Hopkins scored a nice 22, while Saquon Barkley tossed in 15. It was Drew Brees who really let the team down with only eight points. Tevin Coleman and Davante Adams virtually tied for second in the disappointment category, with seven and eight, respectively. And the Jets’ D…don’t get me started. Still, Jason somehow managed 105 points, but it was King Slayer who took this one handily, 129 – 105.

Join us next week as the Krones and Dr. Mike try to stay unbeaten against Crown and Quagnis…

(Cliffhanger, duh duh duuuuuhhhhh)

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