Week 6 2018 Recap: Nordic Crushed, Krones on Top. And other Games.

By Jason Gunderson

Week 6 of our 2018 campaign arrived on the autumn wind, full of promise and pumpkin spice for some, while for others the cold chill was a bad omen indeed.

The Walter brothers squared off in one of their semi-yearly matches, Jeremiah hoping to tie Justin’s record and muddy up the middle of the division, while Justin tries to climb the divisional ladder. Le’Veon Bell is still missing from Jeremiah’s team, but frankly it wouldn’t have mattered in this one. Andrew Luck got a perfectly fine 22 points for ‘Miah, RB Joe Mixon tossed in 14, and kicker Ka’imi Fairbairn scored 8. The rest of the team put their haughty little middle fingers in the air and walked away. Four points from RB Jordan Howard LED THE WAY for the rest of the team. FOUR! WR Sterling Shepard got 3, TE Jordan Reed, 3. WRs John Brown and Antonio Callaway got 2, and the Jacksonville defense licked their middle fingers and mimed shoving them up their own asses as they scored -1. It’s a shitty situation that the most remarkable thing about this game was how hard Jeremiah’s team let him down. Meanwhile, Justin’s team did well. Marshawn Lynch fell short of expectations by scoring only 5, but the rest of the team performed at or above scratch: Matt Ryan, 27. Sony Michel, 22. Antonio Brown, 16. Hell, even the kicker, Dan Bailey, had 10. It was a fine game for Justin, as King Slayer nearly doubled up on The Crown, 104 – 57.

In an identical situation in the East, Nicole Holand took her G’Holics to face Nick Simon’s Champ, hoping to crawl one more rung up the ladder herself. Once the scores started coming in, it was clear this one had disaster written all over it for Nick, save for WR Tyreek Hill and kicker Matt Bryant. Bryant scored 13 for Nick’s squad, while Tyreek Hill put his speed on display and dialed it up to eleven. That fucker had only seven receptions, but he was clearly open as he garnered 142 yards and three touchdowns with only seven catches. Dude was all over the field. The rest of Nick’s team fell apart, though not as bad as Jeremiah’s. Nicole, however, came to play. Melvin Gordon led the way with three touchdowns and 132 yards rushing, plus another point for a sweet grab. He ended the game with 32 points of his own, and a nod of mutual respect passed virtually between Melvin and Tyreek. Tom Brady scored 21, the Baltimore defense got 19, and Adam Thielen threw in 18. Oh, and because Gronk is in her team name, we should mention that he scored 9 for Nicole. Nicole did what she came to do. Gronk ‘a’ Holic took this one from da Champ, 121 – 94, and moved ahead of Nick in the standings.

Also in the East, Patrick set out to save his heretofore dismal season by taking on Eric and the Mighty Quagnisses. Quagnis the Great? Quagniscenti? We still have no idea what a Quagnis is. Sounds like an Irish duck. Anyway, Patrick had a pretty decent game. Aaron Rodgers scored 28, which one might reasonably expect from a Pocket Legend (that’s what she said). Kareem Hunt displayed some of his 2017 brilliance on his way to 24, and the rest of the team did, well, okay. Then along came Stephen Gostkowski and said, “Climb on, boys, I’m taking us to the Promised Land.” He scored 22, an absolutely stellar performance for a kicker. Eric, meanwhile, did not fare as well. David Johnson is not having the year he had in 2016, though he is still scoring WAY more points than Le’Veon Bell. He ended with 10. RB Tarik Cohen scored 16, and JuJu scored 13. DigBick Imhof beat $Quagnis$ 100 – 74. With his win, Patrick climbed out of the bottom of the League and kept Eric from tying for the best record.

Another guy vying for the best record this week was Mike Arnold, who took his 4 – 1 team to meet Caleb Kallander’s 3 – 2 Killers. This one was another blowout in favor of Caleb: Gurley, 33. Conner, 24. Newton, 23. Boyd (who?) 18. Houston D, 21. Three of his guys didn’t bother to show up (Diggs, Fuller, and Tucker), otherwise he could have scored 160 or more. I mean…fuck. Mike tried to rally his troops, giving a rousing locker room speech before only the two Elliotts, Zeke and Jake, ran fired up out onto the field. Jimmy Graham joined them reluctantly and the trio scored 36 for Mike, over half his points. Deshaun Watson somehow managed to stay in the top 10 of quarterbacks after scoring only five points, and everyone else pretty much stunk as well. C Killin it K also nearly doubled up on his opponent, beating Dr. Vegas Mike 138 – 70. 

The Nordic Love Gods came into week 6 feeling, well, unloved, yet somehow optimistic, even though he was going against the League’s top banana, the Untarnished Krones. Jason looked at his lineup throughout the week and felt good. Craig even conceded the game might be close. Then the Thursday game came along, and with it Saquon Barkley and his 28 points. Things were looking up—way up—for the Love Gods. Then in strolled Sunday. Jared Goff, George Kittle, the Miami defense, and Ryan Succop all shit the bed, combining for 12 points. Twelve. Apparently, the Rams’ game script this week was “Let Gurley do it all. Yes, I mean all of it.” Jared Goff came away from his game with seven whole points. It was a crushing blow for Jason. Meanwhile, throughout the day, Craig’s squad slowly erased the 28-point deficit Barkley had put them in. Sure, Craig’s running backs were no good this week, as Alvin Kamara was on a bye; Christian McCaffrey and Aaron Jones combined for only 10. The rest of Craig’s team, however, went off. Mahomes, 26. Butker (the kicker), 18. Sanders, 17. It was a good game all around for the Krones. Davante Adams tried to keep the game close for the Love Gods, and indeed his 25-point performance made this the closest game of the week in our League. In the end, the Untarnished Krones became the sole possessor of a 5 – 1 record and the Nordic Love Gods became the only team to sit at 1 – 5. The final here was 116 – 97. Jason Gunderson was seen shortly after the loss in a rainy, cobblestone alley, kneeling on the ground, his arms outstretched to the sky as he yelled to the dark heavens, “Whhhhhhyyyyyyy!” A wet, grizzled dog started to sniff around his ankles, looking for a spot to pee.

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