King Slayer Wins! Playoffs Round 3 2018 Recap

By Jason Gunderson

On August 4 of this year, League Commissioner Justin Walter married his long-time sweetheart, Katy. Now, let me just tell you: Katy is a hottie. I’m talkin’ a real smoke show, with legs all the way up to her…I mean all the way down to the floor. This woman is a cycler; she makes yoga pants proud. And she’s nice. It was a wonderful day for Justin. But this week, August 4—his wedding day—became, obviously, the second-favorite, second-most meaningful day in Justin’s life because this was the week Justin became a fantasy football champion. 

For the League Cup, King Slayer and his 6 – 7 regular-season record took on Dr. Vegas Mike, who finished 8 – 5. However, don’t think for a minute Slayer was the underdog. Justin is in the West division, which was home to the four top scoring teams in the League this year, and Justin’s weekly average was ten and a half points higher than Mike’s. Side note: In this, the final week of our season, those same four West teams (Krones, King Slayer, CK, and NLGs) outscored all other teams.

Dallas wide receiver Amari Cooper performed like gaht-damb Batman a couple weeks ago, but since then he’s been decidedly Bruce Wayne. In his game against Tampa Bay this week, he caught four balls for only 20 yards and two points. Tight end Cameron Brate did even worse, catching two passes for eight yards. Zero points. Beyond that, Justin’s team kicked it into high gear. Quarterback Matt Ryan had 19, RBs Sony Michel and Nick Chubb added 17 and 11, respectively, and kicker Brett Maher had 11. But running back Jamaal Williams and wide receiver Antonio Brown came to play. Williams ran for 95 yards and a touchdown, while adding over ten yards in receiving. Antonio Brown went crazy against New Orleans, hauling in 185 receiving yards and two touchdowns. Williams posted 21 points, Brown, 30. 

Nothing spectacular happened on Mike’s side of the scrimmage line, unless you count fifteen points by Tampa Bay wide receiver Mike Evans. Russell Wilson had 27, RB Jordan Howard 12, and WR T.Y. Hilton, 13. It was all about what you’d expect: some scored slightly higher than projected, others slightly lower. For the third week in a row and the fourth time this year, Dr. Vegas Mike scored 96 points. In his first-ever visit to the League Championship Game, King Slayer wins, defeating Dr. Vegas Mike (also a Championship virgin), 116 – 96. With his victory, Justin becomes the first GM to lead a 6 – 7 team to a championship. 

In the third-place game, C Killin It K tangled with the Nordic Love Gods. Playing for CK, Philadelphia tight end Zach Ertz scored 23. The only time Ertz scored more this season was in week 10 when he posted 26. That was also against the NLGs and owner Jason Gunderson, who thinks this shit is getting old. Ertz enabled CK to nab the victory both times, this time by a score of 111 – 109. 

Rounding out the championship bracket, the Krones posted the top score this week (125) on a well-balanced attack. There was nobody on that team who fell on his ass this week. For the sixth week in a row, Quagnis was outscored by his opponent, and the Untarnished Krones took this two-week contest, 215 – 172. Poor Quags.

In the Draft Pick Bowl, Nicole Holand faced Patrick Imhof. After building up a first-week lead, Patrick easily held on to win, though Nicole did outscore him by five this week. Both teams had crappy quarterback play, five by Tom Brady and three by Philip Rivers. Sad. Seattle running back Chris Carson and the Baltimore defense tried to help Nicole as best they could—23 and 22, respectively—but Patrick’s first-week lead was just too much. Patrick wins next year’s first-round draft pick as DigBick Imhof beat Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 175 – 144.

The Toilet Bowl featured Jeremiah Walter and Nick Simon, Dream Died versus dA cHaMp. Nick outscored Jeremiah both weeks, winning easily, 167 – 128. Nick avoids getting his name on the Sacko, while Jeremiah will wear it as a badge of honor and it will serve as smoldering inspiration. 

Congratulations again, Justin Walter and King Slayer, on your championship year! Your team was scary all year, and obviously surged at the right time.

Be good in the offseason, kids, and follow us on Instagram and Twitter: @grownmensleague. We’ll be here, posting some content you might find useful, informing, or just plain fun.

Playoffs Round 2 2018 Recap: Dr. Vegas Mike and King Slayer to Vie for the Cup

By Jason Gunderson

In the semi-final round of our playoffs, Dr. Vegas Mike took on the Nordic Love Gods and C Killin It K played host to King Slayer.

Dr. Vegas Mike started off the weekend really badly, with Chargers’ star WR Keenan Allen leaving his game against the Chiefs in the first quarter with zero points under his belt. Then Saturday rolled around and the Houston Texans took on the New York Jets. Deshaun Watson put up a respectable 21, but in a deja-vu-inducing turn of events, running back Lamar Miller left the game in the first quarter with, you guessed it, zero points. Houston’s kicker, Ka’imi Fairbairn, did his best to make up for the blanks, however, racking up 22 points. With his flawless foot (5/5 fgs and 2/2 xps) Ka’imi tied the season record for kickers on our starting rosters. (In week 6, Stephen Gostkowski kicked 5/5 and 4/4 for DigBick Imhof.) But the Love Gods had some players in the Thursday and Saturday games too. Kansas City kicker Harrison Butker had a paltry four points on Thursday, but Houston WR DeAndre Hopkins hauled in his season-high 29 points on Saturday. Things were looking up for the Love Gods. There’s an old adage in the NFL, ‘It’s tough to win games when you commit four turnovers.’ Likewise, in fantasy it’s tough to win games when two of your skill players score zero points. The amazing thing is, Mike’s team wasn’t done scoring zero points. On defense, the Rams allowed the Philadelphia Eagles to score 30 points, while getting only one positive defensive play, an interception. Zero points. Dr. Vegas Mike had THREE goose eggs on his score card this week, but he did have Ka’imi, Deshaun, and also RB Joe Mixon who scored 24, one below his season high. WR Mike Evans performed about as forecast with 12, TE Trey Burton had 9, and WR T.Y. Hilton pocketed 8 in the flex. Despite three zeros, Mike managed 96 points, going against a Love Gods team averaging 102, who already had 33 with only two players spent. Things were looking good for the NLGs. Confidence was running high. 

But then their whole world came crashing down. Wide receivers Davante Adams performed to expectations with 13, while Robert Woods scored merely okay in the flex with 8. Everyone else absolutely shit the bed. Shit it. I’m talking about a six on the Bristol Stool Form Scale, where you simply throw the sheets and mattress away. There’s no hope of cleaning those stains out. George Kittle: he’s mortal after all, 5. Phillip Lindsay: he tied his record on the seventh hole at Castle Pines Golf Club, with four. (That’s a par-3 hole, by the way.) Saquon Barkley: he played fantasy baseball this week, 5. The Love Gods were down by an incredible 26 going into the Monday night game, but they had Drew Brees yet to play. During the season, ol’ Breesey scored over 27 on five separate occasions, and the Saints had a first-round playoff bye to play for. Brees has got this, right? Wrong. The Saints did manage to beat the Panthers, but it was by a score of 12 – 9. Drew Brees scored a soul-crushing, season-ending six points for Jason. As Mike so appropriately put it, “The fantasy gods have gone Old Testament of late.” He was referring to his own team at the time, but the sentiment is more appropriate for the NLGs. Dr. Vegas Mike moves into the final, 96 – 76 over the Nordic Love Gods. Mike was one of only two teams this week to beat his weekly average.

But the low scoring didn’t stop there. In fact, Mike’s 96 was the high this week. In the other semi-final game, King Slayer visited C Killin It K in what shaped up to be a clash of titans. Justin’s team has been surging of late, while Caleb’s team scored an average of 116 throughout the season. It’s too bad everyone got it wrong this week. Oh, there were a few decent individual performances, to be sure. King Slayer wisely opted for Matt Ryan at QB, who scored 24. The Atlanta defense made up for the Dallas kicker by scoring 22 (the kicker had -1). And then there was Gus Edwards. Who?!? Exactly. Gus Edwards is a running back for the Baltimore Ravens, and Justin picked him up after Alex Collins left for the season with an injury. Justin put Edwards in at the flex and was not disappointed. Edwards scored 16. That was it for Justin’s team, though. Antonio Brown? Meh. Ten points. Nick Chubb? Also meh. 10. How about nascent superstar Amari Cooper? After scoring 39 the week before, he hauls in 4. Jesus. Doug Martin? Don’t even talk to me. 3. Cameron Brate? He scored as many points as I did, zero.

Caleb had this one in the bag. Todd Gurley had 23. Pittsburgh’s Jaylen Samuels hit his stride and nabbed 17. RB Justin Jackson scored 13 in the flex, and Stefon Diggs made the most out of four catches, scoring ten. By Monday night, Caleb was down by only ten points and he had two stars yet to play: Carolina QB Cam Newton and New Orleans WR Michael Thomas. Thomas, for his part, had scored more than ten points in seven of his first 13 games. Are you kidding me? This thing is practically in the bag without Cam Newton even taking the field. And then came the Saints-Panthers game on Monday night.

Okay, let me just interject something: I would make a really terrible NFL player. Those guys are incredible athletes and I’m not even going to pretend I could do what they do. I have deep respect for all of them and their athletic skill. But holy mother of god, that Saints-Panthers game was awful from an offensive point of view. Michael Thomas had seven receptions, but for only 49 yards and not a single TD. And Cam Newton? Holy shit. Cam’s previous season low came the week before, when he scored two and a half times what he scored this game. The guy managed to finish with FOUR points. Caleb needed ten out of two star players, and got only eight. He spent the next several days in therapy. King Slayer defeated C Killin It K, 88 – 86.

All of our other games this week were part 1 of two, and some teams still did not score up to their potential. Take the Untarnished Krones, for example. Averaging 113 ppg throughout the regular season, the Krones scored 90. Mahomes, McCaffrey, Kamara, and Julio Jones all did well. Even the tight end, Evan Engram, and the Jacksonville D put up some decent numbers. But Craig was used to more, and Josh Gordon and Aaron Jones let him down bigly. On the other side of the score card, RB Marlon Mack scored 24 for Quagnis, wile David Johnson added 15. RB Tarik Cohen was okay in the flex (9), while the Chicago D added 8. Everyone else was blah, at best. In this one, the Untarnished Krones jumped out to an early lead over Quagnis, 90 – 83.

At the top of the consolation bracket, DigBick Imhof was the only other team to actually beat his season average this week. With late-season addition Derrick Henry blazing the trail (29 points), Philip Rivers and Alshon Jeffery fell into step behind him, scoring 18 and 16, respectively. Sure, TE Austin Hooper forgot to dress for the game and scored zero, but the rest of Patrick’s team did well enough, if not fantastic. Patrick is playing Nicole in the Draft Pick Bowl (winner of the consolation bracket gets next year’s number one draft pick), and her team stunk it up. Seattle RB Chris Carson, whom I had never heard of before just now, scored a very nice 19 and kicker Adam Vinatieri (who looks really good for 67 years old!) added 13. That was it. DigBick Imhof is looking good at half-time of this one, 95 – 59 over Gronk ‘a’ Holic.

And then there are Nick and Jeremiah. They’ll never read this recap anyway, so why even bother? Minnesota RB Dalvin Cook finally had a stellar game, more than doubling his previous season-high and ending with 27 points for Nick. The Minnesota defense added a nice 15. For Jeremiah, kicker Greg Zuerlein tied Ezekiel Elliot for the high score with 12. ‘Miah finally took Valdes-Scantling out of his lineup—a good move—but he fell victim to the promise of the Saints–Panthers game as well, opting for WR Tre’Quan Smith and his single point in the flex, versus Seattle WR Doug Baldwin and his 19. Tough break. Nick has jumped out to a big lead in this one, 80 – 52.

This was a disappointing week. It seems like the scores in the semi-finals of the championship bracket should be on the order of 120 – 115. I feel like we should be winning games because somebody like Amari Cooper or Derrick Henry has a monster game and puts us over the top, like round 1. To win a game because of the ineptitude of the other team feels, well, cheap. Dirty. Cam Newton scores four and Drew Brees, six: yuck. Somebody pass a hot washcloth and the Neosporin, because I got some of that stank on me. I understand a win is a win, but a win is so much sweeter when we can all celebrate great individual performances. Let’s hope the final round does not disappoint. 

Playoffs Round 1 2018 Recap: King Slayer and Love Gods Move Through

By Jason Gunderson

Justin Walter was nervous going into his first-round playoff game, and with good reason. The number 6 seed, Justin’s first opponent was #3 Craig Ericson. The two had faced each other twice before during the regular season, and Craig had won them both. Justin came to play, however, and he had his King Slayers ready to…scamper? Scrap? Slap? He had his King Slayers ready to slay (I had to use it). Justin had a couple of things going for him in this game, and one was a genius move right out of Craig’s playbook. Back in week 7, Craig went scouring the available players for potential points and ended up drafting to his team a kicker named Giorgio Tavecchio. He figured ol’ Giorgio had a juicy matchup that week, and he was right. In fact, that was the only juicy matchup the guy has had all year. I think he only played in three games, one for five points, one for eight, and the one Craig picked him up for—his first start of the season—for SIXTEEN points. He was basically an Italian ghost who came out of nowhere and faded just as quickly. But he did his job that week and propelled Craig to victory. Fast-forward to the playoff game at hand, and Justin did the same damn thing. He dropped kicker Matt Bryant and picked up Mike Badgley, who had not seen a starting spot on any of our fantasy rosters all year. Badgley proceeded to go out and score his season-best, SEVENTEEN points, six more than his previous high. 

The other thing Justin had going for him was the guy who had earned Craig’s ridicule all season long, wide receiver Amari Cooper. This is a guy who is basically the blueprint for how an NFL wide receiver should be built, and he has been on Justin’s team in past years but has been a consistent disappointment. After landing on the Dallas roster a few weeks ago, Cooper has shown us all how important chemistry is on a team. He didn’t change physically, his ability to catch the football didn’t change, and yet here he is, coming into his own. Team chemistry. Cooper had a monster night against Philly and tallied up 39 points for Justin. It was unbelievable. Meanwhile, Craig scored within a few points of his weekly average, led by Julio Jones, Christian McCaffrey, and Patrick Mahomes. It was a lot, but it wasn’t enough. Cooper put this one away for Justin on an overtime touchdown pass, and King Slayer snatched the victory from Untarnished Krones, 119 – 117.

The other game in the top bracket saw Eric Martens and Quagnis take on Jason Gunderson and the Nordic Love Gods for the second time this year. Quags was 7 – 3 going into his last three games of the season, when he came up against the buzz saw that is everyone in the West except Jeremiah. After losses against the NLGs, C Killin It K, and the Krones, Eric was 7 – 6 and the #2 seed in the East. Sadly for Eric, the buzz saw had not slowed down. George Fuckin’ Kittle led the way for the NLGs, scoring 27 points, half of it on one play. Saquon Barkley added 25, and the rest of the team contributed up to par. For Quags, Juju Smith-Schuster had the game of his season with 25 and the Chicago D added 19, well above their projection. A couple other guys did okay, but many (enough) did not. The Love Gods shredded Quagnis out of the playoffs 119 – 102.

In the consolation bracket, #7 Gronk ‘a’ Holic took on #10—and appropriately named—Dream Died. QB Dak Prescott was Nicole’s top scorer with 24, WR Jarvis Landry added 20, and TE Rob Gronkowski finally had a game worthy of a second-round draft pick, 16 points. On the negative side, WR Adam Thielen actually *didn’t* score a touchdown, a rare occurrence for him this season. He ended the day with only 7, but it was more than enough. For some reason, Jeremiah started Marquez Valdez-Scantling again, clearly a cry for help. He scored a whole point. Wide receiver Te’quan Smith was the only guy in the starting lineup to do worse, and you can guess what he got: zero. Andrew Luck, Zeke Elliott, and Eric Ebron all did well for Dream Died, but everyone else pretty much stunk it up. Gronk ‘a’ Holic easily grabbed the dub in this one, 110 – 73 over Dream Died.

It’s unusual for a single player on a team to score half the team’s points. It’s even more unusual when that player is not a quarterback. Then consider the team’s point total is over 100, and you have a trifecta of rare. Such was the case this week with running back Derrick Henry, playing for DigBick Imhof in his match against dA cHaMp. On Thursday night, Henry absolutely went off against the Jacksonville Jaguars, torching them for 238 yards—99 on a single play—and four touchdowns. The kid was amazing, absolutely out of this world. He scored 47 points for Patrick. Forty seven! After Adrian Peterson scored only a single point for dA cHaMp on Sunday, this one was over. DigBick Imhof beat dA cHaMp 101 – 85. Incidentally, Patrick picked Henry up mere minutes before kickoff.

In the championship bracket, C Killin It K will come off his first-round bye to play King Slayer, while Dr. Vegas Mike will enter the fray once more versus Nordic Love Gods. Downstairs, DigBick Imhof will meet Gronk ‘a’ Holic in the consolation title game. Finally, dA cHaMp will play Dream Died in the last, and greatest, toilet bowl.

Week 13 2018 Recap: C Killin It K #1, Dr. Vegas Mike #2

By Jason Gunderson

Caleb Kallander took his juggernaught on the virtual road this week, visiting Nicole Holand, herself fresh off a huge week-12 victory with the highest points total of that week (112, attained by Justin Walter as well). After a week in which everything went right, it was sad to see Nicole rolling into this one like she was driving Jed Clampett’s truck into Beverly Hills. The single highlight from Nicole’s score this week was her defense: Baltimore put up 17 for her. Receivers Allen Robinson and Jarvis Landry were merely okay, but the rest of her team stunk it up. Caleb’s team also scored below his average, but when you’re average is 116 points per game, you’ve got some room to work. Todd Gurley continued his dominant season with 28, James Conner added 19, kicker Justin Tucker scored 17, and the Houston D posted 14. The three wide receivers in his starting lineup collectively scored only 8 points, though. Sad. Still, Caleb cruised to victory in this one, C Killin It K defeated Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 109 – 70. Caleb has the #1 seed and a first-round bye in the playoffs this year. Caleb has secured the 2018 points trophy with an astounding 1513 points for the season, absolutely smashing Jeremiah’s old record of 1394. I mean seriously…in the immortal words of, let’s see, who was it…Sun Tzu? Winston Churchill? Oh yes…in the immortal words of Gwen Stefani in her 2004 anthem, Hollaback Girl, “This shit is bananas.”

Speaking of the points total, there was another team this year that blew apart 1394: Untarnished Krones. It could be called the Ericson Curse, but I don’t know all the numbers so I can’t say for sure. All I know is, it *feels like* this happens to Craig more than anyone else: He scores the second- or third-highest point total of the week, only to lose to the team with the highest total. That’s what happened to his points total this year. Craig put up an absolutely stellar 1473, only to be overshadowed by some other asshole. I mean sure, Caleb is actually a good guy, but in this case I think even he would admit he was an asshole. Anyway, this week Craig’s team actually performed rather poorly, with the exception of Patrick Mahomes (32) and Christian McCaffrey (21). Still, there was some extremely good fantasy-footballing going on, as Craig was the first guy to learn Kansas City running back Kareem Hunt was getting the axe because he beat up his girlfriend, and he signed up Spencer Ware before the rest of us knew what was going on. Into the starting lineup went Ware, and Craig earned 10 points because of it. Nice move. The Krones’ opponent this week was Quagnis, who was trying to pull himself out of a two-game, end-of-season skid. It wasn’t to be. Tarik Cohen scored 22 in the RB2 slot and Jared Cook pulled in 16 at tight end. Everyone else was terrible. Untarnished Krones limped away with the victory, 82 – 80 over Quagnis. If the Krones were in the East, he’d have the #2 seed and a first-round bye. Alas, Craig is in the West and must settle for the #3. 

Battling it out with Quagnis for the first-round bye and the divisional crown in the East, Dr. Vegas Mike hosted Dream Died this week, the always-dangerous collection of misfits shepherded by Jeremiah Walter. Jeremiah even used one of Mike’s old guys against him: Zeke Elliott was the pace setter for ‘Miah, outscoring the guy he gave to Mike in return, Joe Mixon, 19 – 9. The Indianapolis defense added 11 for Dream Died, and some kicker nobody’s ever heard of (Maher?) tossed in 8. But Mike Arnold had an easy time with this one. Keenan Allen scored 22, Ka’imi Fairbairn kicked for 21, and Lamar Miller added 11 in the flex. Even the Rams’ defense helped in the effort, scoring 9 for Mike and, in the process, outscoring their own QB Jared Goff, who started for Jeremiah. Dr. Vegas Mike secured the top spot in the East with a 96 – 72 win over Dream Died. 

Justin Walter and his team, King Slayer, didn’t even have to take the field this week to keep their spot in the top playoff bracket, but Nick Simon and dA cHaMp needed someone to play. Although, it must be said that Nick basically forgot about the game…correction, had to prioritize the game with other demands in his life. Something about a birthday for his son, whatever. Kid needs to learn about the importance of fantasy football sooner rather than later. It would be a shame to have his first exposure to the game being a crushing defeat at the hands of his own father. That did happen this week; we’ll get to that in a minute. Anyway, Nick forgot to swap out his QB, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Andy Dalton was out this week with a bruised or twisted something or other and Nick realized it too late to switch to Matt Stafford. The difference would have been only nine points, though. Some of Nick’s guys did well, like Adrian Peterson, Tyler Lockett, and, most of all, tight end Travis Kelce. That sumbitch threw down for 26, leading all scorers in this game. Then there was the Vikings’ defense, who threw away three points. Ugh. For Justin, the wide receivers led the way; Antonio Brown scored 21 while OBJ nabbed 14. The rest of Justin’s team did okay, but it was a below-average day for King Slayer in this high-scoring year. Nevertheless, K. Slayer topped dA cHaMp 96 – 82.

Speaking of fathers smacking the kids around, DigBick Imhof picked a fight with the ol’ man, Nordic Love Gods. The game saw an uncharacteristically low score by Drew Brees, only 7 points. Saquon Barkley, Deandre Hopkins, and George Kittle scored slightly below their averages, but the rest of Nordic’s players were overachievers this week. Phillip Lindsay was the game’s MVP with 27 points. Without Kareem Hunt, DigBick floundered. Well, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered in this game. Tight end Austin Hooper was the only standout on Patrick’s team, and he scored 10 points. No, this one was a bona fide beat-down. It was a go-to-the-woodshed-and-get-me-the-switch-I’m-going-to-beat-you-with ass kicking. The Nordic Love Gods doubled up on DigBick Imhof, 111 – 55. And they didn’t feel one shred of remorse, either.

It’s been another fantastic regular season here in the Grown Men’s League. Congratulations to Caleb on winning the points trophy this year while setting a new record, and to Craig Ericson for beating the old record as well. This year four of the five West teams have put up some incredible point totals, and those two led the way.

The  post-season big kids’ table looks like this:

#1 Caleb Kallander (bye)
#2 Mike Arnold (bye)
#3 Craig Ericson vs. #6 Justin Walter
#4 Jason Gunderson vs. #5 Eric Martens

In the consolation bracket we have:

#7 Nicole Holand vs. #10 Jeremiah Walter
#8 Patrick Imhof vs. #9 Nick Simon

Good luck in the playoffs; draft picks are at stake!

Week 12 2018 Recap: Potential Movement in the East

The playoff picture has been pretty much set for the last couple of weeks. There are only two battles still going on: Dr. Vegas Mike and Quagnis are still jockeying for the top spot in the East, and King Slayer and Gronk ‘a’ Holic are duking it out for the number six seed in the the top bracket. Vegas Mike is coming off a win in week 11 while Quagnis is picking up the pieces from a loss, so the proverbial wind might be blowing in Mike’s direction. Meanwhile, the task facing the Gronksters is Herculean, considering the points lead Slayer has. Gronk ‘a’ Holic needs to win out while King Slayer has to drop one of the last two in order for Gronkie’s playoff dreams to come true.

Nicole set out on her path to success by taking on the surging Dream Died, a.k.a. Jeremiah Walter, her husband. Over the prior five games, ‘Miah had scored an average of 99 points, while Nicole had scored an average of 82. Mathematically, things weren’t looking good for Nicole so Jeremiah, ever the gentleman, decided to start the Bengals defense and give three points to Nicole right off the bat. What a sweetheart. Jeremiah was also kind enough to start Marquez Valdes-Scantling, who had four decent games in the middle of the season, surrounded by single digits and goose eggs. Marquez gave Nicole a wink and the heart gesture over his chest, then faked playing football for zero points. Jeremiah and the guys clearly followed the old axiom, “happy wife, happy life,” and scored a dismal 63 points. Nicole’s team was very consistent this week, with almost every player pulling his weight and then some. Her WR2 and flex let her down a bit, but the Ravens’ defense made up for them, scoring over twice their projections. And Adam Thielen…that kid looks like a gaht-damb superhero out there sometimes. Nicole did what she needed to do to keep her playoff hopes alive, pounding on her obsequious (this week, anyway) husband, 112 – 63.

Justin Walter, trying to hold Nicole at bay, tangled with Patrick Imhof this week. Patrick knew he was entering an uphill battle, with RB Kareem Hunt on a bye. Sure enough, substitute RB—and guy I’ve never heard of—Nyheim Hines of the Indianapolis Colts (seriously, is this guy even real?) put up four points for DigBick. It turns out Patrick wouldn’t have won even if Kareem Hunt had been in and scored his average 18 points. Wide receiver Alshon Jeffery and tight end Austin Hooper just didn’t get the job done, scoring three apiece. On the other side, Justin did well, and could have done even better. Running back Nick Chubb led the way with 24, and RB Sony Michel and QB Matt Ryan each had 20. Where Justin’s score really could have improved is in the wide receivers. Antonio Brown and Odell Beckham, Jr. scored a total of 14 between them. On Justin’s bench sat Amari Cooper, who racked up 180 yards and two TDs for thirty points. It would have been nice in the overall scheme of things, but King Slayer didn’t need the points, as they defeated DigBick Imhof, 112 – 91.

There is one guy sitting toward the bottom of the championship playoff bracket and hoping for every win he can get, lest he be dragged into the fray with Nicole and Justin. That guy is Jason Gunderson, who took his Nordic Love Gods on the virtual road this week to visit Nick Simon and dA cHaMp. Nick didn’t have the bad day Jeremiah had, but it was still a pretty bad day. Tyler Lockett was in cHaMp’s WR2 slot, and he was the high scorer on the team with 16 points. Running back Dalvin Cook was the second-highest scorer with 12, and everyone else was below that. It was awful. Meanwhile, the Love Gods continued to get some good performances out of running backs Saquon Barkley and Phillip Lindsay (26 and 17), while Drew Brees tossed in 20 of his own. The Nordic Love Gods cruised to victory over dA cHaMp, 103 – 68.

Quagnis entered week two of his end-of-season gauntlet (NLGs, Killin It, and Krones) bruised, but ready to go. With Todd Gurley on a bye, the chances were better than ever Quags would come away with a win against Caleb. The top three skill positions—QB, RB1, and RB2—were nearly even thanks to Gurley’s absence, with Caleb’s team opening a one-point lead, 36 – 35. The wide receiver battle clearly belonged to Eric, as did the defense. It just wasn’t enough. The tight end, flex, and kicker belonged to Caleb, and the difference was big. Tight end Zach Ertz outscored Greg Olson 15 – 1, while wide receiver Tyler Boyd mopped the floor with Keke Coutee, 14 – 1. Put it all together, and Caleb won, but with a score lower than his Gurleyed average. C Killin It K outlasts Quagnis, 101 – 91. Sadly, Quags had the points to win this thing on his bench. We all hate it when that happens.

In an effort to steal the first-round bye from Eric, Mike Arnold took his Vegas show on the road to visit Craig Ericson’s Krones. Because Kansas City was on a bye, the Krones had at quarterback Louisville standout Lamar Jackson. Jackson tossed two interceptions during his game, but the strength of his legs made up for the turnovers. Over 70 yards rushing and a rushing touchdown helped Jackson finish the day with 20 points. While he is no Patrick Mahomes, Jackson’s total was not insignificant. Running back Christian McCaffrey posted a phenomenal 35 points in the flex, and the points put up by these two guys amounted to over half of Craig’s total. The rest of the team was surprisingly mediocre. Even Alvin Kamara had only eight points. For Mike, the disappointment rested entirely with tight end Trey Burton, who didn’t get a single ball thrown his way. That was the end of the bad news, however. The rest of Mike’s team performed well, and by the time the Monday night game rolled around, Mike was down 76 – 102. Quarterback Deshaun Watson looked at Mike through the magic of broadcast television and sent this signal: “I got you.” Watson scored 29, which gave Dr. Vegas Mike the victory over Untarnished Krones 105 – 102, and kept him in the hunt for a first-round playoff bye.