Week 12 2018 Recap: Potential Movement in the East

The playoff picture has been pretty much set for the last couple of weeks. There are only two battles still going on: Dr. Vegas Mike and Quagnis are still jockeying for the top spot in the East, and King Slayer and Gronk ‘a’ Holic are duking it out for the number six seed in the the top bracket. Vegas Mike is coming off a win in week 11 while Quagnis is picking up the pieces from a loss, so the proverbial wind might be blowing in Mike’s direction. Meanwhile, the task facing the Gronksters is Herculean, considering the points lead Slayer has. Gronk ‘a’ Holic needs to win out while King Slayer has to drop one of the last two in order for Gronkie’s playoff dreams to come true.

Nicole set out on her path to success by taking on the surging Dream Died, a.k.a. Jeremiah Walter, her husband. Over the prior five games, ‘Miah had scored an average of 99 points, while Nicole had scored an average of 82. Mathematically, things weren’t looking good for Nicole so Jeremiah, ever the gentleman, decided to start the Bengals defense and give three points to Nicole right off the bat. What a sweetheart. Jeremiah was also kind enough to start Marquez Valdes-Scantling, who had four decent games in the middle of the season, surrounded by single digits and goose eggs. Marquez gave Nicole a wink and the heart gesture over his chest, then faked playing football for zero points. Jeremiah and the guys clearly followed the old axiom, “happy wife, happy life,” and scored a dismal 63 points. Nicole’s team was very consistent this week, with almost every player pulling his weight and then some. Her WR2 and flex let her down a bit, but the Ravens’ defense made up for them, scoring over twice their projections. And Adam Thielen…that kid looks like a gaht-damb superhero out there sometimes. Nicole did what she needed to do to keep her playoff hopes alive, pounding on her obsequious (this week, anyway) husband, 112 – 63.

Justin Walter, trying to hold Nicole at bay, tangled with Patrick Imhof this week. Patrick knew he was entering an uphill battle, with RB Kareem Hunt on a bye. Sure enough, substitute RB—and guy I’ve never heard of—Nyheim Hines of the Indianapolis Colts (seriously, is this guy even real?) put up four points for DigBick. It turns out Patrick wouldn’t have won even if Kareem Hunt had been in and scored his average 18 points. Wide receiver Alshon Jeffery and tight end Austin Hooper just didn’t get the job done, scoring three apiece. On the other side, Justin did well, and could have done even better. Running back Nick Chubb led the way with 24, and RB Sony Michel and QB Matt Ryan each had 20. Where Justin’s score really could have improved is in the wide receivers. Antonio Brown and Odell Beckham, Jr. scored a total of 14 between them. On Justin’s bench sat Amari Cooper, who racked up 180 yards and two TDs for thirty points. It would have been nice in the overall scheme of things, but King Slayer didn’t need the points, as they defeated DigBick Imhof, 112 – 91.

There is one guy sitting toward the bottom of the championship playoff bracket and hoping for every win he can get, lest he be dragged into the fray with Nicole and Justin. That guy is Jason Gunderson, who took his Nordic Love Gods on the virtual road this week to visit Nick Simon and dA cHaMp. Nick didn’t have the bad day Jeremiah had, but it was still a pretty bad day. Tyler Lockett was in cHaMp’s WR2 slot, and he was the high scorer on the team with 16 points. Running back Dalvin Cook was the second-highest scorer with 12, and everyone else was below that. It was awful. Meanwhile, the Love Gods continued to get some good performances out of running backs Saquon Barkley and Phillip Lindsay (26 and 17), while Drew Brees tossed in 20 of his own. The Nordic Love Gods cruised to victory over dA cHaMp, 103 – 68.

Quagnis entered week two of his end-of-season gauntlet (NLGs, Killin It, and Krones) bruised, but ready to go. With Todd Gurley on a bye, the chances were better than ever Quags would come away with a win against Caleb. The top three skill positions—QB, RB1, and RB2—were nearly even thanks to Gurley’s absence, with Caleb’s team opening a one-point lead, 36 – 35. The wide receiver battle clearly belonged to Eric, as did the defense. It just wasn’t enough. The tight end, flex, and kicker belonged to Caleb, and the difference was big. Tight end Zach Ertz outscored Greg Olson 15 – 1, while wide receiver Tyler Boyd mopped the floor with Keke Coutee, 14 – 1. Put it all together, and Caleb won, but with a score lower than his Gurleyed average. C Killin It K outlasts Quagnis, 101 – 91. Sadly, Quags had the points to win this thing on his bench. We all hate it when that happens.

In an effort to steal the first-round bye from Eric, Mike Arnold took his Vegas show on the road to visit Craig Ericson’s Krones. Because Kansas City was on a bye, the Krones had at quarterback Louisville standout Lamar Jackson. Jackson tossed two interceptions during his game, but the strength of his legs made up for the turnovers. Over 70 yards rushing and a rushing touchdown helped Jackson finish the day with 20 points. While he is no Patrick Mahomes, Jackson’s total was not insignificant. Running back Christian McCaffrey posted a phenomenal 35 points in the flex, and the points put up by these two guys amounted to over half of Craig’s total. The rest of the team was surprisingly mediocre. Even Alvin Kamara had only eight points. For Mike, the disappointment rested entirely with tight end Trey Burton, who didn’t get a single ball thrown his way. That was the end of the bad news, however. The rest of Mike’s team performed well, and by the time the Monday night game rolled around, Mike was down 76 – 102. Quarterback Deshaun Watson looked at Mike through the magic of broadcast television and sent this signal: “I got you.” Watson scored 29, which gave Dr. Vegas Mike the victory over Untarnished Krones 105 – 102, and kept him in the hunt for a first-round playoff bye.

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