Week 13 2018 Recap: C Killin It K #1, Dr. Vegas Mike #2

By Jason Gunderson

Caleb Kallander took his juggernaught on the virtual road this week, visiting Nicole Holand, herself fresh off a huge week-12 victory with the highest points total of that week (112, attained by Justin Walter as well). After a week in which everything went right, it was sad to see Nicole rolling into this one like she was driving Jed Clampett’s truck into Beverly Hills. The single highlight from Nicole’s score this week was her defense: Baltimore put up 17 for her. Receivers Allen Robinson and Jarvis Landry were merely okay, but the rest of her team stunk it up. Caleb’s team also scored below his average, but when you’re average is 116 points per game, you’ve got some room to work. Todd Gurley continued his dominant season with 28, James Conner added 19, kicker Justin Tucker scored 17, and the Houston D posted 14. The three wide receivers in his starting lineup collectively scored only 8 points, though. Sad. Still, Caleb cruised to victory in this one, C Killin It K defeated Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 109 – 70. Caleb has the #1 seed and a first-round bye in the playoffs this year. Caleb has secured the 2018 points trophy with an astounding 1513 points for the season, absolutely smashing Jeremiah’s old record of 1394. I mean seriously…in the immortal words of, let’s see, who was it…Sun Tzu? Winston Churchill? Oh yes…in the immortal words of Gwen Stefani in her 2004 anthem, Hollaback Girl, “This shit is bananas.”

Speaking of the points total, there was another team this year that blew apart 1394: Untarnished Krones. It could be called the Ericson Curse, but I don’t know all the numbers so I can’t say for sure. All I know is, it *feels like* this happens to Craig more than anyone else: He scores the second- or third-highest point total of the week, only to lose to the team with the highest total. That’s what happened to his points total this year. Craig put up an absolutely stellar 1473, only to be overshadowed by some other asshole. I mean sure, Caleb is actually a good guy, but in this case I think even he would admit he was an asshole. Anyway, this week Craig’s team actually performed rather poorly, with the exception of Patrick Mahomes (32) and Christian McCaffrey (21). Still, there was some extremely good fantasy-footballing going on, as Craig was the first guy to learn Kansas City running back Kareem Hunt was getting the axe because he beat up his girlfriend, and he signed up Spencer Ware before the rest of us knew what was going on. Into the starting lineup went Ware, and Craig earned 10 points because of it. Nice move. The Krones’ opponent this week was Quagnis, who was trying to pull himself out of a two-game, end-of-season skid. It wasn’t to be. Tarik Cohen scored 22 in the RB2 slot and Jared Cook pulled in 16 at tight end. Everyone else was terrible. Untarnished Krones limped away with the victory, 82 – 80 over Quagnis. If the Krones were in the East, he’d have the #2 seed and a first-round bye. Alas, Craig is in the West and must settle for the #3. 

Battling it out with Quagnis for the first-round bye and the divisional crown in the East, Dr. Vegas Mike hosted Dream Died this week, the always-dangerous collection of misfits shepherded by Jeremiah Walter. Jeremiah even used one of Mike’s old guys against him: Zeke Elliott was the pace setter for ‘Miah, outscoring the guy he gave to Mike in return, Joe Mixon, 19 – 9. The Indianapolis defense added 11 for Dream Died, and some kicker nobody’s ever heard of (Maher?) tossed in 8. But Mike Arnold had an easy time with this one. Keenan Allen scored 22, Ka’imi Fairbairn kicked for 21, and Lamar Miller added 11 in the flex. Even the Rams’ defense helped in the effort, scoring 9 for Mike and, in the process, outscoring their own QB Jared Goff, who started for Jeremiah. Dr. Vegas Mike secured the top spot in the East with a 96 – 72 win over Dream Died. 

Justin Walter and his team, King Slayer, didn’t even have to take the field this week to keep their spot in the top playoff bracket, but Nick Simon and dA cHaMp needed someone to play. Although, it must be said that Nick basically forgot about the game…correction, had to prioritize the game with other demands in his life. Something about a birthday for his son, whatever. Kid needs to learn about the importance of fantasy football sooner rather than later. It would be a shame to have his first exposure to the game being a crushing defeat at the hands of his own father. That did happen this week; we’ll get to that in a minute. Anyway, Nick forgot to swap out his QB, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Andy Dalton was out this week with a bruised or twisted something or other and Nick realized it too late to switch to Matt Stafford. The difference would have been only nine points, though. Some of Nick’s guys did well, like Adrian Peterson, Tyler Lockett, and, most of all, tight end Travis Kelce. That sumbitch threw down for 26, leading all scorers in this game. Then there was the Vikings’ defense, who threw away three points. Ugh. For Justin, the wide receivers led the way; Antonio Brown scored 21 while OBJ nabbed 14. The rest of Justin’s team did okay, but it was a below-average day for King Slayer in this high-scoring year. Nevertheless, K. Slayer topped dA cHaMp 96 – 82.

Speaking of fathers smacking the kids around, DigBick Imhof picked a fight with the ol’ man, Nordic Love Gods. The game saw an uncharacteristically low score by Drew Brees, only 7 points. Saquon Barkley, Deandre Hopkins, and George Kittle scored slightly below their averages, but the rest of Nordic’s players were overachievers this week. Phillip Lindsay was the game’s MVP with 27 points. Without Kareem Hunt, DigBick floundered. Well, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered in this game. Tight end Austin Hooper was the only standout on Patrick’s team, and he scored 10 points. No, this one was a bona fide beat-down. It was a go-to-the-woodshed-and-get-me-the-switch-I’m-going-to-beat-you-with ass kicking. The Nordic Love Gods doubled up on DigBick Imhof, 111 – 55. And they didn’t feel one shred of remorse, either.

It’s been another fantastic regular season here in the Grown Men’s League. Congratulations to Caleb on winning the points trophy this year while setting a new record, and to Craig Ericson for beating the old record as well. This year four of the five West teams have put up some incredible point totals, and those two led the way.

The  post-season big kids’ table looks like this:

#1 Caleb Kallander (bye)
#2 Mike Arnold (bye)
#3 Craig Ericson vs. #6 Justin Walter
#4 Jason Gunderson vs. #5 Eric Martens

In the consolation bracket we have:

#7 Nicole Holand vs. #10 Jeremiah Walter
#8 Patrick Imhof vs. #9 Nick Simon

Good luck in the playoffs; draft picks are at stake!

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