Playoffs Round 2 2018 Recap: Dr. Vegas Mike and King Slayer to Vie for the Cup

By Jason Gunderson

In the semi-final round of our playoffs, Dr. Vegas Mike took on the Nordic Love Gods and C Killin It K played host to King Slayer.

Dr. Vegas Mike started off the weekend really badly, with Chargers’ star WR Keenan Allen leaving his game against the Chiefs in the first quarter with zero points under his belt. Then Saturday rolled around and the Houston Texans took on the New York Jets. Deshaun Watson put up a respectable 21, but in a deja-vu-inducing turn of events, running back Lamar Miller left the game in the first quarter with, you guessed it, zero points. Houston’s kicker, Ka’imi Fairbairn, did his best to make up for the blanks, however, racking up 22 points. With his flawless foot (5/5 fgs and 2/2 xps) Ka’imi tied the season record for kickers on our starting rosters. (In week 6, Stephen Gostkowski kicked 5/5 and 4/4 for DigBick Imhof.) But the Love Gods had some players in the Thursday and Saturday games too. Kansas City kicker Harrison Butker had a paltry four points on Thursday, but Houston WR DeAndre Hopkins hauled in his season-high 29 points on Saturday. Things were looking up for the Love Gods. There’s an old adage in the NFL, ‘It’s tough to win games when you commit four turnovers.’ Likewise, in fantasy it’s tough to win games when two of your skill players score zero points. The amazing thing is, Mike’s team wasn’t done scoring zero points. On defense, the Rams allowed the Philadelphia Eagles to score 30 points, while getting only one positive defensive play, an interception. Zero points. Dr. Vegas Mike had THREE goose eggs on his score card this week, but he did have Ka’imi, Deshaun, and also RB Joe Mixon who scored 24, one below his season high. WR Mike Evans performed about as forecast with 12, TE Trey Burton had 9, and WR T.Y. Hilton pocketed 8 in the flex. Despite three zeros, Mike managed 96 points, going against a Love Gods team averaging 102, who already had 33 with only two players spent. Things were looking good for the NLGs. Confidence was running high. 

But then their whole world came crashing down. Wide receivers Davante Adams performed to expectations with 13, while Robert Woods scored merely okay in the flex with 8. Everyone else absolutely shit the bed. Shit it. I’m talking about a six on the Bristol Stool Form Scale, where you simply throw the sheets and mattress away. There’s no hope of cleaning those stains out. George Kittle: he’s mortal after all, 5. Phillip Lindsay: he tied his record on the seventh hole at Castle Pines Golf Club, with four. (That’s a par-3 hole, by the way.) Saquon Barkley: he played fantasy baseball this week, 5. The Love Gods were down by an incredible 26 going into the Monday night game, but they had Drew Brees yet to play. During the season, ol’ Breesey scored over 27 on five separate occasions, and the Saints had a first-round playoff bye to play for. Brees has got this, right? Wrong. The Saints did manage to beat the Panthers, but it was by a score of 12 – 9. Drew Brees scored a soul-crushing, season-ending six points for Jason. As Mike so appropriately put it, “The fantasy gods have gone Old Testament of late.” He was referring to his own team at the time, but the sentiment is more appropriate for the NLGs. Dr. Vegas Mike moves into the final, 96 – 76 over the Nordic Love Gods. Mike was one of only two teams this week to beat his weekly average.

But the low scoring didn’t stop there. In fact, Mike’s 96 was the high this week. In the other semi-final game, King Slayer visited C Killin It K in what shaped up to be a clash of titans. Justin’s team has been surging of late, while Caleb’s team scored an average of 116 throughout the season. It’s too bad everyone got it wrong this week. Oh, there were a few decent individual performances, to be sure. King Slayer wisely opted for Matt Ryan at QB, who scored 24. The Atlanta defense made up for the Dallas kicker by scoring 22 (the kicker had -1). And then there was Gus Edwards. Who?!? Exactly. Gus Edwards is a running back for the Baltimore Ravens, and Justin picked him up after Alex Collins left for the season with an injury. Justin put Edwards in at the flex and was not disappointed. Edwards scored 16. That was it for Justin’s team, though. Antonio Brown? Meh. Ten points. Nick Chubb? Also meh. 10. How about nascent superstar Amari Cooper? After scoring 39 the week before, he hauls in 4. Jesus. Doug Martin? Don’t even talk to me. 3. Cameron Brate? He scored as many points as I did, zero.

Caleb had this one in the bag. Todd Gurley had 23. Pittsburgh’s Jaylen Samuels hit his stride and nabbed 17. RB Justin Jackson scored 13 in the flex, and Stefon Diggs made the most out of four catches, scoring ten. By Monday night, Caleb was down by only ten points and he had two stars yet to play: Carolina QB Cam Newton and New Orleans WR Michael Thomas. Thomas, for his part, had scored more than ten points in seven of his first 13 games. Are you kidding me? This thing is practically in the bag without Cam Newton even taking the field. And then came the Saints-Panthers game on Monday night.

Okay, let me just interject something: I would make a really terrible NFL player. Those guys are incredible athletes and I’m not even going to pretend I could do what they do. I have deep respect for all of them and their athletic skill. But holy mother of god, that Saints-Panthers game was awful from an offensive point of view. Michael Thomas had seven receptions, but for only 49 yards and not a single TD. And Cam Newton? Holy shit. Cam’s previous season low came the week before, when he scored two and a half times what he scored this game. The guy managed to finish with FOUR points. Caleb needed ten out of two star players, and got only eight. He spent the next several days in therapy. King Slayer defeated C Killin It K, 88 – 86.

All of our other games this week were part 1 of two, and some teams still did not score up to their potential. Take the Untarnished Krones, for example. Averaging 113 ppg throughout the regular season, the Krones scored 90. Mahomes, McCaffrey, Kamara, and Julio Jones all did well. Even the tight end, Evan Engram, and the Jacksonville D put up some decent numbers. But Craig was used to more, and Josh Gordon and Aaron Jones let him down bigly. On the other side of the score card, RB Marlon Mack scored 24 for Quagnis, wile David Johnson added 15. RB Tarik Cohen was okay in the flex (9), while the Chicago D added 8. Everyone else was blah, at best. In this one, the Untarnished Krones jumped out to an early lead over Quagnis, 90 – 83.

At the top of the consolation bracket, DigBick Imhof was the only other team to actually beat his season average this week. With late-season addition Derrick Henry blazing the trail (29 points), Philip Rivers and Alshon Jeffery fell into step behind him, scoring 18 and 16, respectively. Sure, TE Austin Hooper forgot to dress for the game and scored zero, but the rest of Patrick’s team did well enough, if not fantastic. Patrick is playing Nicole in the Draft Pick Bowl (winner of the consolation bracket gets next year’s number one draft pick), and her team stunk it up. Seattle RB Chris Carson, whom I had never heard of before just now, scored a very nice 19 and kicker Adam Vinatieri (who looks really good for 67 years old!) added 13. That was it. DigBick Imhof is looking good at half-time of this one, 95 – 59 over Gronk ‘a’ Holic.

And then there are Nick and Jeremiah. They’ll never read this recap anyway, so why even bother? Minnesota RB Dalvin Cook finally had a stellar game, more than doubling his previous season-high and ending with 27 points for Nick. The Minnesota defense added a nice 15. For Jeremiah, kicker Greg Zuerlein tied Ezekiel Elliot for the high score with 12. ‘Miah finally took Valdes-Scantling out of his lineup—a good move—but he fell victim to the promise of the Saints–Panthers game as well, opting for WR Tre’Quan Smith and his single point in the flex, versus Seattle WR Doug Baldwin and his 19. Tough break. Nick has jumped out to a big lead in this one, 80 – 52.

This was a disappointing week. It seems like the scores in the semi-finals of the championship bracket should be on the order of 120 – 115. I feel like we should be winning games because somebody like Amari Cooper or Derrick Henry has a monster game and puts us over the top, like round 1. To win a game because of the ineptitude of the other team feels, well, cheap. Dirty. Cam Newton scores four and Drew Brees, six: yuck. Somebody pass a hot washcloth and the Neosporin, because I got some of that stank on me. I understand a win is a win, but a win is so much sweeter when we can all celebrate great individual performances. Let’s hope the final round does not disappoint. 

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