King Slayer Wins! Playoffs Round 3 2018 Recap

By Jason Gunderson

On August 4 of this year, League Commissioner Justin Walter married his long-time sweetheart, Katy. Now, let me just tell you: Katy is a hottie. I’m talkin’ a real smoke show, with legs all the way up to her…I mean all the way down to the floor. This woman is a cycler; she makes yoga pants proud. And she’s nice. It was a wonderful day for Justin. But this week, August 4—his wedding day—became, obviously, the second-favorite, second-most meaningful day in Justin’s life because this was the week Justin became a fantasy football champion. 

For the League Cup, King Slayer and his 6 – 7 regular-season record took on Dr. Vegas Mike, who finished 8 – 5. However, don’t think for a minute Slayer was the underdog. Justin is in the West division, which was home to the four top scoring teams in the League this year, and Justin’s weekly average was ten and a half points higher than Mike’s. Side note: In this, the final week of our season, those same four West teams (Krones, King Slayer, CK, and NLGs) outscored all other teams.

Dallas wide receiver Amari Cooper performed like gaht-damb Batman a couple weeks ago, but since then he’s been decidedly Bruce Wayne. In his game against Tampa Bay this week, he caught four balls for only 20 yards and two points. Tight end Cameron Brate did even worse, catching two passes for eight yards. Zero points. Beyond that, Justin’s team kicked it into high gear. Quarterback Matt Ryan had 19, RBs Sony Michel and Nick Chubb added 17 and 11, respectively, and kicker Brett Maher had 11. But running back Jamaal Williams and wide receiver Antonio Brown came to play. Williams ran for 95 yards and a touchdown, while adding over ten yards in receiving. Antonio Brown went crazy against New Orleans, hauling in 185 receiving yards and two touchdowns. Williams posted 21 points, Brown, 30. 

Nothing spectacular happened on Mike’s side of the scrimmage line, unless you count fifteen points by Tampa Bay wide receiver Mike Evans. Russell Wilson had 27, RB Jordan Howard 12, and WR T.Y. Hilton, 13. It was all about what you’d expect: some scored slightly higher than projected, others slightly lower. For the third week in a row and the fourth time this year, Dr. Vegas Mike scored 96 points. In his first-ever visit to the League Championship Game, King Slayer wins, defeating Dr. Vegas Mike (also a Championship virgin), 116 – 96. With his victory, Justin becomes the first GM to lead a 6 – 7 team to a championship. 

In the third-place game, C Killin It K tangled with the Nordic Love Gods. Playing for CK, Philadelphia tight end Zach Ertz scored 23. The only time Ertz scored more this season was in week 10 when he posted 26. That was also against the NLGs and owner Jason Gunderson, who thinks this shit is getting old. Ertz enabled CK to nab the victory both times, this time by a score of 111 – 109. 

Rounding out the championship bracket, the Krones posted the top score this week (125) on a well-balanced attack. There was nobody on that team who fell on his ass this week. For the sixth week in a row, Quagnis was outscored by his opponent, and the Untarnished Krones took this two-week contest, 215 – 172. Poor Quags.

In the Draft Pick Bowl, Nicole Holand faced Patrick Imhof. After building up a first-week lead, Patrick easily held on to win, though Nicole did outscore him by five this week. Both teams had crappy quarterback play, five by Tom Brady and three by Philip Rivers. Sad. Seattle running back Chris Carson and the Baltimore defense tried to help Nicole as best they could—23 and 22, respectively—but Patrick’s first-week lead was just too much. Patrick wins next year’s first-round draft pick as DigBick Imhof beat Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 175 – 144.

The Toilet Bowl featured Jeremiah Walter and Nick Simon, Dream Died versus dA cHaMp. Nick outscored Jeremiah both weeks, winning easily, 167 – 128. Nick avoids getting his name on the Sacko, while Jeremiah will wear it as a badge of honor and it will serve as smoldering inspiration. 

Congratulations again, Justin Walter and King Slayer, on your championship year! Your team was scary all year, and obviously surged at the right time.

Be good in the offseason, kids, and follow us on Instagram and Twitter: @grownmensleague. We’ll be here, posting some content you might find useful, informing, or just plain fun.

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