King Slayer Wins! Playoffs Round 3 2018 Recap

By Jason Gunderson

On August 4 of this year, League Commissioner Justin Walter married his long-time sweetheart, Katy. Now, let me just tell you: Katy is a hottie. I’m talkin’ a real smoke show, with legs all the way up to her…I mean all the way down to the floor. This woman is a cycler; she makes yoga pants proud. And she’s nice. It was a wonderful day for Justin. But this week, August 4—his wedding day—became, obviously, the second-favorite, second-most meaningful day in Justin’s life because this was the week Justin became a fantasy football champion. 

For the League Cup, King Slayer and his 6 – 7 regular-season record took on Dr. Vegas Mike, who finished 8 – 5. However, don’t think for a minute Slayer was the underdog. Justin is in the West division, which was home to the four top scoring teams in the League this year, and Justin’s weekly average was ten and a half points higher than Mike’s. Side note: In this, the final week of our season, those same four West teams (Krones, King Slayer, CK, and NLGs) outscored all other teams.

Dallas wide receiver Amari Cooper performed like gaht-damb Batman a couple weeks ago, but since then he’s been decidedly Bruce Wayne. In his game against Tampa Bay this week, he caught four balls for only 20 yards and two points. Tight end Cameron Brate did even worse, catching two passes for eight yards. Zero points. Beyond that, Justin’s team kicked it into high gear. Quarterback Matt Ryan had 19, RBs Sony Michel and Nick Chubb added 17 and 11, respectively, and kicker Brett Maher had 11. But running back Jamaal Williams and wide receiver Antonio Brown came to play. Williams ran for 95 yards and a touchdown, while adding over ten yards in receiving. Antonio Brown went crazy against New Orleans, hauling in 185 receiving yards and two touchdowns. Williams posted 21 points, Brown, 30. 

Nothing spectacular happened on Mike’s side of the scrimmage line, unless you count fifteen points by Tampa Bay wide receiver Mike Evans. Russell Wilson had 27, RB Jordan Howard 12, and WR T.Y. Hilton, 13. It was all about what you’d expect: some scored slightly higher than projected, others slightly lower. For the third week in a row and the fourth time this year, Dr. Vegas Mike scored 96 points. In his first-ever visit to the League Championship Game, King Slayer wins, defeating Dr. Vegas Mike (also a Championship virgin), 116 – 96. With his victory, Justin becomes the first GM to lead a 6 – 7 team to a championship. 

In the third-place game, C Killin It K tangled with the Nordic Love Gods. Playing for CK, Philadelphia tight end Zach Ertz scored 23. The only time Ertz scored more this season was in week 10 when he posted 26. That was also against the NLGs and owner Jason Gunderson, who thinks this shit is getting old. Ertz enabled CK to nab the victory both times, this time by a score of 111 – 109. 

Rounding out the championship bracket, the Krones posted the top score this week (125) on a well-balanced attack. There was nobody on that team who fell on his ass this week. For the sixth week in a row, Quagnis was outscored by his opponent, and the Untarnished Krones took this two-week contest, 215 – 172. Poor Quags.

In the Draft Pick Bowl, Nicole Holand faced Patrick Imhof. After building up a first-week lead, Patrick easily held on to win, though Nicole did outscore him by five this week. Both teams had crappy quarterback play, five by Tom Brady and three by Philip Rivers. Sad. Seattle running back Chris Carson and the Baltimore defense tried to help Nicole as best they could—23 and 22, respectively—but Patrick’s first-week lead was just too much. Patrick wins next year’s first-round draft pick as DigBick Imhof beat Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 175 – 144.

The Toilet Bowl featured Jeremiah Walter and Nick Simon, Dream Died versus dA cHaMp. Nick outscored Jeremiah both weeks, winning easily, 167 – 128. Nick avoids getting his name on the Sacko, while Jeremiah will wear it as a badge of honor and it will serve as smoldering inspiration. 

Congratulations again, Justin Walter and King Slayer, on your championship year! Your team was scary all year, and obviously surged at the right time.

Be good in the offseason, kids, and follow us on Instagram and Twitter: @grownmensleague. We’ll be here, posting some content you might find useful, informing, or just plain fun.

Playoffs Round 2 2018 Recap: Dr. Vegas Mike and King Slayer to Vie for the Cup

By Jason Gunderson

In the semi-final round of our playoffs, Dr. Vegas Mike took on the Nordic Love Gods and C Killin It K played host to King Slayer.

Dr. Vegas Mike started off the weekend really badly, with Chargers’ star WR Keenan Allen leaving his game against the Chiefs in the first quarter with zero points under his belt. Then Saturday rolled around and the Houston Texans took on the New York Jets. Deshaun Watson put up a respectable 21, but in a deja-vu-inducing turn of events, running back Lamar Miller left the game in the first quarter with, you guessed it, zero points. Houston’s kicker, Ka’imi Fairbairn, did his best to make up for the blanks, however, racking up 22 points. With his flawless foot (5/5 fgs and 2/2 xps) Ka’imi tied the season record for kickers on our starting rosters. (In week 6, Stephen Gostkowski kicked 5/5 and 4/4 for DigBick Imhof.) But the Love Gods had some players in the Thursday and Saturday games too. Kansas City kicker Harrison Butker had a paltry four points on Thursday, but Houston WR DeAndre Hopkins hauled in his season-high 29 points on Saturday. Things were looking up for the Love Gods. There’s an old adage in the NFL, ‘It’s tough to win games when you commit four turnovers.’ Likewise, in fantasy it’s tough to win games when two of your skill players score zero points. The amazing thing is, Mike’s team wasn’t done scoring zero points. On defense, the Rams allowed the Philadelphia Eagles to score 30 points, while getting only one positive defensive play, an interception. Zero points. Dr. Vegas Mike had THREE goose eggs on his score card this week, but he did have Ka’imi, Deshaun, and also RB Joe Mixon who scored 24, one below his season high. WR Mike Evans performed about as forecast with 12, TE Trey Burton had 9, and WR T.Y. Hilton pocketed 8 in the flex. Despite three zeros, Mike managed 96 points, going against a Love Gods team averaging 102, who already had 33 with only two players spent. Things were looking good for the NLGs. Confidence was running high. 

But then their whole world came crashing down. Wide receivers Davante Adams performed to expectations with 13, while Robert Woods scored merely okay in the flex with 8. Everyone else absolutely shit the bed. Shit it. I’m talking about a six on the Bristol Stool Form Scale, where you simply throw the sheets and mattress away. There’s no hope of cleaning those stains out. George Kittle: he’s mortal after all, 5. Phillip Lindsay: he tied his record on the seventh hole at Castle Pines Golf Club, with four. (That’s a par-3 hole, by the way.) Saquon Barkley: he played fantasy baseball this week, 5. The Love Gods were down by an incredible 26 going into the Monday night game, but they had Drew Brees yet to play. During the season, ol’ Breesey scored over 27 on five separate occasions, and the Saints had a first-round playoff bye to play for. Brees has got this, right? Wrong. The Saints did manage to beat the Panthers, but it was by a score of 12 – 9. Drew Brees scored a soul-crushing, season-ending six points for Jason. As Mike so appropriately put it, “The fantasy gods have gone Old Testament of late.” He was referring to his own team at the time, but the sentiment is more appropriate for the NLGs. Dr. Vegas Mike moves into the final, 96 – 76 over the Nordic Love Gods. Mike was one of only two teams this week to beat his weekly average.

But the low scoring didn’t stop there. In fact, Mike’s 96 was the high this week. In the other semi-final game, King Slayer visited C Killin It K in what shaped up to be a clash of titans. Justin’s team has been surging of late, while Caleb’s team scored an average of 116 throughout the season. It’s too bad everyone got it wrong this week. Oh, there were a few decent individual performances, to be sure. King Slayer wisely opted for Matt Ryan at QB, who scored 24. The Atlanta defense made up for the Dallas kicker by scoring 22 (the kicker had -1). And then there was Gus Edwards. Who?!? Exactly. Gus Edwards is a running back for the Baltimore Ravens, and Justin picked him up after Alex Collins left for the season with an injury. Justin put Edwards in at the flex and was not disappointed. Edwards scored 16. That was it for Justin’s team, though. Antonio Brown? Meh. Ten points. Nick Chubb? Also meh. 10. How about nascent superstar Amari Cooper? After scoring 39 the week before, he hauls in 4. Jesus. Doug Martin? Don’t even talk to me. 3. Cameron Brate? He scored as many points as I did, zero.

Caleb had this one in the bag. Todd Gurley had 23. Pittsburgh’s Jaylen Samuels hit his stride and nabbed 17. RB Justin Jackson scored 13 in the flex, and Stefon Diggs made the most out of four catches, scoring ten. By Monday night, Caleb was down by only ten points and he had two stars yet to play: Carolina QB Cam Newton and New Orleans WR Michael Thomas. Thomas, for his part, had scored more than ten points in seven of his first 13 games. Are you kidding me? This thing is practically in the bag without Cam Newton even taking the field. And then came the Saints-Panthers game on Monday night.

Okay, let me just interject something: I would make a really terrible NFL player. Those guys are incredible athletes and I’m not even going to pretend I could do what they do. I have deep respect for all of them and their athletic skill. But holy mother of god, that Saints-Panthers game was awful from an offensive point of view. Michael Thomas had seven receptions, but for only 49 yards and not a single TD. And Cam Newton? Holy shit. Cam’s previous season low came the week before, when he scored two and a half times what he scored this game. The guy managed to finish with FOUR points. Caleb needed ten out of two star players, and got only eight. He spent the next several days in therapy. King Slayer defeated C Killin It K, 88 – 86.

All of our other games this week were part 1 of two, and some teams still did not score up to their potential. Take the Untarnished Krones, for example. Averaging 113 ppg throughout the regular season, the Krones scored 90. Mahomes, McCaffrey, Kamara, and Julio Jones all did well. Even the tight end, Evan Engram, and the Jacksonville D put up some decent numbers. But Craig was used to more, and Josh Gordon and Aaron Jones let him down bigly. On the other side of the score card, RB Marlon Mack scored 24 for Quagnis, wile David Johnson added 15. RB Tarik Cohen was okay in the flex (9), while the Chicago D added 8. Everyone else was blah, at best. In this one, the Untarnished Krones jumped out to an early lead over Quagnis, 90 – 83.

At the top of the consolation bracket, DigBick Imhof was the only other team to actually beat his season average this week. With late-season addition Derrick Henry blazing the trail (29 points), Philip Rivers and Alshon Jeffery fell into step behind him, scoring 18 and 16, respectively. Sure, TE Austin Hooper forgot to dress for the game and scored zero, but the rest of Patrick’s team did well enough, if not fantastic. Patrick is playing Nicole in the Draft Pick Bowl (winner of the consolation bracket gets next year’s number one draft pick), and her team stunk it up. Seattle RB Chris Carson, whom I had never heard of before just now, scored a very nice 19 and kicker Adam Vinatieri (who looks really good for 67 years old!) added 13. That was it. DigBick Imhof is looking good at half-time of this one, 95 – 59 over Gronk ‘a’ Holic.

And then there are Nick and Jeremiah. They’ll never read this recap anyway, so why even bother? Minnesota RB Dalvin Cook finally had a stellar game, more than doubling his previous season-high and ending with 27 points for Nick. The Minnesota defense added a nice 15. For Jeremiah, kicker Greg Zuerlein tied Ezekiel Elliot for the high score with 12. ‘Miah finally took Valdes-Scantling out of his lineup—a good move—but he fell victim to the promise of the Saints–Panthers game as well, opting for WR Tre’Quan Smith and his single point in the flex, versus Seattle WR Doug Baldwin and his 19. Tough break. Nick has jumped out to a big lead in this one, 80 – 52.

This was a disappointing week. It seems like the scores in the semi-finals of the championship bracket should be on the order of 120 – 115. I feel like we should be winning games because somebody like Amari Cooper or Derrick Henry has a monster game and puts us over the top, like round 1. To win a game because of the ineptitude of the other team feels, well, cheap. Dirty. Cam Newton scores four and Drew Brees, six: yuck. Somebody pass a hot washcloth and the Neosporin, because I got some of that stank on me. I understand a win is a win, but a win is so much sweeter when we can all celebrate great individual performances. Let’s hope the final round does not disappoint. 

Playoffs Round 1 2018 Recap: King Slayer and Love Gods Move Through

By Jason Gunderson

Justin Walter was nervous going into his first-round playoff game, and with good reason. The number 6 seed, Justin’s first opponent was #3 Craig Ericson. The two had faced each other twice before during the regular season, and Craig had won them both. Justin came to play, however, and he had his King Slayers ready to…scamper? Scrap? Slap? He had his King Slayers ready to slay (I had to use it). Justin had a couple of things going for him in this game, and one was a genius move right out of Craig’s playbook. Back in week 7, Craig went scouring the available players for potential points and ended up drafting to his team a kicker named Giorgio Tavecchio. He figured ol’ Giorgio had a juicy matchup that week, and he was right. In fact, that was the only juicy matchup the guy has had all year. I think he only played in three games, one for five points, one for eight, and the one Craig picked him up for—his first start of the season—for SIXTEEN points. He was basically an Italian ghost who came out of nowhere and faded just as quickly. But he did his job that week and propelled Craig to victory. Fast-forward to the playoff game at hand, and Justin did the same damn thing. He dropped kicker Matt Bryant and picked up Mike Badgley, who had not seen a starting spot on any of our fantasy rosters all year. Badgley proceeded to go out and score his season-best, SEVENTEEN points, six more than his previous high. 

The other thing Justin had going for him was the guy who had earned Craig’s ridicule all season long, wide receiver Amari Cooper. This is a guy who is basically the blueprint for how an NFL wide receiver should be built, and he has been on Justin’s team in past years but has been a consistent disappointment. After landing on the Dallas roster a few weeks ago, Cooper has shown us all how important chemistry is on a team. He didn’t change physically, his ability to catch the football didn’t change, and yet here he is, coming into his own. Team chemistry. Cooper had a monster night against Philly and tallied up 39 points for Justin. It was unbelievable. Meanwhile, Craig scored within a few points of his weekly average, led by Julio Jones, Christian McCaffrey, and Patrick Mahomes. It was a lot, but it wasn’t enough. Cooper put this one away for Justin on an overtime touchdown pass, and King Slayer snatched the victory from Untarnished Krones, 119 – 117.

The other game in the top bracket saw Eric Martens and Quagnis take on Jason Gunderson and the Nordic Love Gods for the second time this year. Quags was 7 – 3 going into his last three games of the season, when he came up against the buzz saw that is everyone in the West except Jeremiah. After losses against the NLGs, C Killin It K, and the Krones, Eric was 7 – 6 and the #2 seed in the East. Sadly for Eric, the buzz saw had not slowed down. George Fuckin’ Kittle led the way for the NLGs, scoring 27 points, half of it on one play. Saquon Barkley added 25, and the rest of the team contributed up to par. For Quags, Juju Smith-Schuster had the game of his season with 25 and the Chicago D added 19, well above their projection. A couple other guys did okay, but many (enough) did not. The Love Gods shredded Quagnis out of the playoffs 119 – 102.

In the consolation bracket, #7 Gronk ‘a’ Holic took on #10—and appropriately named—Dream Died. QB Dak Prescott was Nicole’s top scorer with 24, WR Jarvis Landry added 20, and TE Rob Gronkowski finally had a game worthy of a second-round draft pick, 16 points. On the negative side, WR Adam Thielen actually *didn’t* score a touchdown, a rare occurrence for him this season. He ended the day with only 7, but it was more than enough. For some reason, Jeremiah started Marquez Valdez-Scantling again, clearly a cry for help. He scored a whole point. Wide receiver Te’quan Smith was the only guy in the starting lineup to do worse, and you can guess what he got: zero. Andrew Luck, Zeke Elliott, and Eric Ebron all did well for Dream Died, but everyone else pretty much stunk it up. Gronk ‘a’ Holic easily grabbed the dub in this one, 110 – 73 over Dream Died.

It’s unusual for a single player on a team to score half the team’s points. It’s even more unusual when that player is not a quarterback. Then consider the team’s point total is over 100, and you have a trifecta of rare. Such was the case this week with running back Derrick Henry, playing for DigBick Imhof in his match against dA cHaMp. On Thursday night, Henry absolutely went off against the Jacksonville Jaguars, torching them for 238 yards—99 on a single play—and four touchdowns. The kid was amazing, absolutely out of this world. He scored 47 points for Patrick. Forty seven! After Adrian Peterson scored only a single point for dA cHaMp on Sunday, this one was over. DigBick Imhof beat dA cHaMp 101 – 85. Incidentally, Patrick picked Henry up mere minutes before kickoff.

In the championship bracket, C Killin It K will come off his first-round bye to play King Slayer, while Dr. Vegas Mike will enter the fray once more versus Nordic Love Gods. Downstairs, DigBick Imhof will meet Gronk ‘a’ Holic in the consolation title game. Finally, dA cHaMp will play Dream Died in the last, and greatest, toilet bowl.

Week 13 2018 Recap: C Killin It K #1, Dr. Vegas Mike #2

By Jason Gunderson

Caleb Kallander took his juggernaught on the virtual road this week, visiting Nicole Holand, herself fresh off a huge week-12 victory with the highest points total of that week (112, attained by Justin Walter as well). After a week in which everything went right, it was sad to see Nicole rolling into this one like she was driving Jed Clampett’s truck into Beverly Hills. The single highlight from Nicole’s score this week was her defense: Baltimore put up 17 for her. Receivers Allen Robinson and Jarvis Landry were merely okay, but the rest of her team stunk it up. Caleb’s team also scored below his average, but when you’re average is 116 points per game, you’ve got some room to work. Todd Gurley continued his dominant season with 28, James Conner added 19, kicker Justin Tucker scored 17, and the Houston D posted 14. The three wide receivers in his starting lineup collectively scored only 8 points, though. Sad. Still, Caleb cruised to victory in this one, C Killin It K defeated Gronk ‘a’ Holic, 109 – 70. Caleb has the #1 seed and a first-round bye in the playoffs this year. Caleb has secured the 2018 points trophy with an astounding 1513 points for the season, absolutely smashing Jeremiah’s old record of 1394. I mean seriously…in the immortal words of, let’s see, who was it…Sun Tzu? Winston Churchill? Oh yes…in the immortal words of Gwen Stefani in her 2004 anthem, Hollaback Girl, “This shit is bananas.”

Speaking of the points total, there was another team this year that blew apart 1394: Untarnished Krones. It could be called the Ericson Curse, but I don’t know all the numbers so I can’t say for sure. All I know is, it *feels like* this happens to Craig more than anyone else: He scores the second- or third-highest point total of the week, only to lose to the team with the highest total. That’s what happened to his points total this year. Craig put up an absolutely stellar 1473, only to be overshadowed by some other asshole. I mean sure, Caleb is actually a good guy, but in this case I think even he would admit he was an asshole. Anyway, this week Craig’s team actually performed rather poorly, with the exception of Patrick Mahomes (32) and Christian McCaffrey (21). Still, there was some extremely good fantasy-footballing going on, as Craig was the first guy to learn Kansas City running back Kareem Hunt was getting the axe because he beat up his girlfriend, and he signed up Spencer Ware before the rest of us knew what was going on. Into the starting lineup went Ware, and Craig earned 10 points because of it. Nice move. The Krones’ opponent this week was Quagnis, who was trying to pull himself out of a two-game, end-of-season skid. It wasn’t to be. Tarik Cohen scored 22 in the RB2 slot and Jared Cook pulled in 16 at tight end. Everyone else was terrible. Untarnished Krones limped away with the victory, 82 – 80 over Quagnis. If the Krones were in the East, he’d have the #2 seed and a first-round bye. Alas, Craig is in the West and must settle for the #3. 

Battling it out with Quagnis for the first-round bye and the divisional crown in the East, Dr. Vegas Mike hosted Dream Died this week, the always-dangerous collection of misfits shepherded by Jeremiah Walter. Jeremiah even used one of Mike’s old guys against him: Zeke Elliott was the pace setter for ‘Miah, outscoring the guy he gave to Mike in return, Joe Mixon, 19 – 9. The Indianapolis defense added 11 for Dream Died, and some kicker nobody’s ever heard of (Maher?) tossed in 8. But Mike Arnold had an easy time with this one. Keenan Allen scored 22, Ka’imi Fairbairn kicked for 21, and Lamar Miller added 11 in the flex. Even the Rams’ defense helped in the effort, scoring 9 for Mike and, in the process, outscoring their own QB Jared Goff, who started for Jeremiah. Dr. Vegas Mike secured the top spot in the East with a 96 – 72 win over Dream Died. 

Justin Walter and his team, King Slayer, didn’t even have to take the field this week to keep their spot in the top playoff bracket, but Nick Simon and dA cHaMp needed someone to play. Although, it must be said that Nick basically forgot about the game…correction, had to prioritize the game with other demands in his life. Something about a birthday for his son, whatever. Kid needs to learn about the importance of fantasy football sooner rather than later. It would be a shame to have his first exposure to the game being a crushing defeat at the hands of his own father. That did happen this week; we’ll get to that in a minute. Anyway, Nick forgot to swap out his QB, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Andy Dalton was out this week with a bruised or twisted something or other and Nick realized it too late to switch to Matt Stafford. The difference would have been only nine points, though. Some of Nick’s guys did well, like Adrian Peterson, Tyler Lockett, and, most of all, tight end Travis Kelce. That sumbitch threw down for 26, leading all scorers in this game. Then there was the Vikings’ defense, who threw away three points. Ugh. For Justin, the wide receivers led the way; Antonio Brown scored 21 while OBJ nabbed 14. The rest of Justin’s team did okay, but it was a below-average day for King Slayer in this high-scoring year. Nevertheless, K. Slayer topped dA cHaMp 96 – 82.

Speaking of fathers smacking the kids around, DigBick Imhof picked a fight with the ol’ man, Nordic Love Gods. The game saw an uncharacteristically low score by Drew Brees, only 7 points. Saquon Barkley, Deandre Hopkins, and George Kittle scored slightly below their averages, but the rest of Nordic’s players were overachievers this week. Phillip Lindsay was the game’s MVP with 27 points. Without Kareem Hunt, DigBick floundered. Well, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered in this game. Tight end Austin Hooper was the only standout on Patrick’s team, and he scored 10 points. No, this one was a bona fide beat-down. It was a go-to-the-woodshed-and-get-me-the-switch-I’m-going-to-beat-you-with ass kicking. The Nordic Love Gods doubled up on DigBick Imhof, 111 – 55. And they didn’t feel one shred of remorse, either.

It’s been another fantastic regular season here in the Grown Men’s League. Congratulations to Caleb on winning the points trophy this year while setting a new record, and to Craig Ericson for beating the old record as well. This year four of the five West teams have put up some incredible point totals, and those two led the way.

The  post-season big kids’ table looks like this:

#1 Caleb Kallander (bye)
#2 Mike Arnold (bye)
#3 Craig Ericson vs. #6 Justin Walter
#4 Jason Gunderson vs. #5 Eric Martens

In the consolation bracket we have:

#7 Nicole Holand vs. #10 Jeremiah Walter
#8 Patrick Imhof vs. #9 Nick Simon

Good luck in the playoffs; draft picks are at stake!

Week 12 2018 Recap: Potential Movement in the East

The playoff picture has been pretty much set for the last couple of weeks. There are only two battles still going on: Dr. Vegas Mike and Quagnis are still jockeying for the top spot in the East, and King Slayer and Gronk ‘a’ Holic are duking it out for the number six seed in the the top bracket. Vegas Mike is coming off a win in week 11 while Quagnis is picking up the pieces from a loss, so the proverbial wind might be blowing in Mike’s direction. Meanwhile, the task facing the Gronksters is Herculean, considering the points lead Slayer has. Gronk ‘a’ Holic needs to win out while King Slayer has to drop one of the last two in order for Gronkie’s playoff dreams to come true.

Nicole set out on her path to success by taking on the surging Dream Died, a.k.a. Jeremiah Walter, her husband. Over the prior five games, ‘Miah had scored an average of 99 points, while Nicole had scored an average of 82. Mathematically, things weren’t looking good for Nicole so Jeremiah, ever the gentleman, decided to start the Bengals defense and give three points to Nicole right off the bat. What a sweetheart. Jeremiah was also kind enough to start Marquez Valdes-Scantling, who had four decent games in the middle of the season, surrounded by single digits and goose eggs. Marquez gave Nicole a wink and the heart gesture over his chest, then faked playing football for zero points. Jeremiah and the guys clearly followed the old axiom, “happy wife, happy life,” and scored a dismal 63 points. Nicole’s team was very consistent this week, with almost every player pulling his weight and then some. Her WR2 and flex let her down a bit, but the Ravens’ defense made up for them, scoring over twice their projections. And Adam Thielen…that kid looks like a gaht-damb superhero out there sometimes. Nicole did what she needed to do to keep her playoff hopes alive, pounding on her obsequious (this week, anyway) husband, 112 – 63.

Justin Walter, trying to hold Nicole at bay, tangled with Patrick Imhof this week. Patrick knew he was entering an uphill battle, with RB Kareem Hunt on a bye. Sure enough, substitute RB—and guy I’ve never heard of—Nyheim Hines of the Indianapolis Colts (seriously, is this guy even real?) put up four points for DigBick. It turns out Patrick wouldn’t have won even if Kareem Hunt had been in and scored his average 18 points. Wide receiver Alshon Jeffery and tight end Austin Hooper just didn’t get the job done, scoring three apiece. On the other side, Justin did well, and could have done even better. Running back Nick Chubb led the way with 24, and RB Sony Michel and QB Matt Ryan each had 20. Where Justin’s score really could have improved is in the wide receivers. Antonio Brown and Odell Beckham, Jr. scored a total of 14 between them. On Justin’s bench sat Amari Cooper, who racked up 180 yards and two TDs for thirty points. It would have been nice in the overall scheme of things, but King Slayer didn’t need the points, as they defeated DigBick Imhof, 112 – 91.

There is one guy sitting toward the bottom of the championship playoff bracket and hoping for every win he can get, lest he be dragged into the fray with Nicole and Justin. That guy is Jason Gunderson, who took his Nordic Love Gods on the virtual road this week to visit Nick Simon and dA cHaMp. Nick didn’t have the bad day Jeremiah had, but it was still a pretty bad day. Tyler Lockett was in cHaMp’s WR2 slot, and he was the high scorer on the team with 16 points. Running back Dalvin Cook was the second-highest scorer with 12, and everyone else was below that. It was awful. Meanwhile, the Love Gods continued to get some good performances out of running backs Saquon Barkley and Phillip Lindsay (26 and 17), while Drew Brees tossed in 20 of his own. The Nordic Love Gods cruised to victory over dA cHaMp, 103 – 68.

Quagnis entered week two of his end-of-season gauntlet (NLGs, Killin It, and Krones) bruised, but ready to go. With Todd Gurley on a bye, the chances were better than ever Quags would come away with a win against Caleb. The top three skill positions—QB, RB1, and RB2—were nearly even thanks to Gurley’s absence, with Caleb’s team opening a one-point lead, 36 – 35. The wide receiver battle clearly belonged to Eric, as did the defense. It just wasn’t enough. The tight end, flex, and kicker belonged to Caleb, and the difference was big. Tight end Zach Ertz outscored Greg Olson 15 – 1, while wide receiver Tyler Boyd mopped the floor with Keke Coutee, 14 – 1. Put it all together, and Caleb won, but with a score lower than his Gurleyed average. C Killin It K outlasts Quagnis, 101 – 91. Sadly, Quags had the points to win this thing on his bench. We all hate it when that happens.

In an effort to steal the first-round bye from Eric, Mike Arnold took his Vegas show on the road to visit Craig Ericson’s Krones. Because Kansas City was on a bye, the Krones had at quarterback Louisville standout Lamar Jackson. Jackson tossed two interceptions during his game, but the strength of his legs made up for the turnovers. Over 70 yards rushing and a rushing touchdown helped Jackson finish the day with 20 points. While he is no Patrick Mahomes, Jackson’s total was not insignificant. Running back Christian McCaffrey posted a phenomenal 35 points in the flex, and the points put up by these two guys amounted to over half of Craig’s total. The rest of the team was surprisingly mediocre. Even Alvin Kamara had only eight points. For Mike, the disappointment rested entirely with tight end Trey Burton, who didn’t get a single ball thrown his way. That was the end of the bad news, however. The rest of Mike’s team performed well, and by the time the Monday night game rolled around, Mike was down 76 – 102. Quarterback Deshaun Watson looked at Mike through the magic of broadcast television and sent this signal: “I got you.” Watson scored 29, which gave Dr. Vegas Mike the victory over Untarnished Krones 105 – 102, and kept him in the hunt for a first-round playoff bye.

Week 11 2018 Recap: Movement within the Bowels (of the League)

By Jason Gunderson

The eleventh week has come and gone, and with it a scintillating matchup between our #1 and #10, another score doubling, a little musical chairs in the West, and a high-scoring toilet bowl. 

Let’s start with the toilet bowl. Nick Simon took on Patrick Imhof this week, da Champ versus DigBick. Both teams scored above the Ericson Benchmark of 94, which in past years was a decent indicator of victory. Not this year. Patrick got some great numbers out of his running backs, Kareem Hunt (17) and Leonard Fournette (19). Quatertback Phillip Rivers added a decent (meh) 20, and his kicker, 5. It was the New Orleans defense and Larry Fitzgerald that really surprised, however. Fitzgerald, who looks fantastic for 47 years old, hauled in a couple of crucial catches for TDs, scoring 14. I guess the old guy had to show the kids a move or two. The New Orleans defense scored 15, bringing Patrick up to 97 on the week. It wasn’t enough, though in all fairness, Nick’s team did try to give the game away. QB Ryan Fitzpatrick managed three interceptions in his lackluster game against the Giants, netting all of seven points. RB Dalvin Cook then said, “Hold my beer” and scored minus one. Ugh. Things were not looking good for Nick, then the Chiefs took the field against the Rams. WR Tyreek Hill hauled in ten balls for 215 yards, two TDs, and 33 points. Kid was on fire. TE Travis Kelce added 18, another fantastic score for a tight end. Oh, and speaking of old, Adrian Peterson scored a couple of TDs as well. Da ChAmP took home this toilet bowl, 111 – 97 over DigBick Imhof.

Number two in the East, Mike Arnold, played host to number three in the West this week, Justin Walter. This was truly a game of wide receivers, as both men had receivers in the flex in addition to their two normal receivers. The six receivers scored a total of 99 points, an average of over 16 points each. Sadly for Justin, Mike’s guys scored two-thirds of those points: Keenan Allen had 14, Mike Evans, 24, and T.Y. Hilton, 27. Everyone else on Mike’s team scored at or below average (we’re looking hardest at you, Dion Lewis), but they weren’t as bad as the guys on Justin’s team. Yikes. King Slayer scored a season-low 70 enroute to dumping this game in the trash, and Dr. Vegas Mike was the sanitation engineer, taking this one away, 105 – 70.

Tied by record in the standings, Jason Gunderson tried to take advantage of Justin’s loss, as he took a foray into volatile Quagnis’ territory. David Johnson didn’t have the week he had in number 10, logging only 14 points. Kenny Golladay had a decent score, 17, but the Chicago D/ST was the light shining on the hill for Quags with 16 points. Graham Gano…fuck, he decided to give a point away. “No no, Mr. Gunderson, you’re not favored by enough. Why don’t I just pass a point over to your side?” Jesus. The big story for the Nordic Love Gods was Saquon Barkley, who scored a fantastic 33 points. Quarterback Drew Brees added 30 at home against Philadelphia, and Rams’ WR Robert Woods added 13 in the flex. It was an all-around good performance for the LGs, as they took this one, 134 – 90 over Quags. With the win, the Love Gods moved into third place in the West, pushing King Slayer down to fourth, and also moved slightly ahead of KS in the Points-For category.

The top of the West in contention for the last several weeks, second-place Craig Ericson hosted the wildly erratic Nicole Holand, Untarnished Krones versus Gronk ‘a’ Holic. With a win and a loss by Caleb Kallander, Craig could move into the top spot in the West and the League. I’m not sure how Craig can have such a monster team, given the fact that he’s playing with three defenses.  In fact, at this point, Craig only has to decide which defense he’s going to play, and leave out the guys who are on a bye. Beyond that, it basically doesn’t matter who he puts in. Throw the fucking dice and go with it. Running back Christian McCaffrey scored only 10 points and Emmanuel Sanders had 5. Oh, and TE Jack Doyle netted 4. Those were the stragglers on Craig’s team. Everyone else did just fine, thank you very much. Meanwhile, Nicole doesn’t even want to revisit her score. It just wasn’t good. The Untarnished Krones coasted to another double-up, 129 – 62 over Gronk ‘a’ Holic.

Jeremiah Walter, on a mission to spoil as many dreams as he can at the end of the season, went into his game against Caleb Kallander with a positive mental attitude, a thirst for blood, and zero fucks to give. As the game progressed, the League held its collective breath as we all realized he might *actually* beat Caleb. Quarterback Jared Goff scored 34, RB Zeke Elliot had 25, and WR Josh Reynolds (Rams) had 14 in the flex. Kicker Greg Zuerlein added 11, and WR Brandin Cooks had 10. It was a solid performance. For Caleb, the development that really derailed his game was the lackluster performance of running backs Todd Gurley and James Connor. Together, they managed a total of 12 points. Dismal. And then Zach Ertz scored 1. Holy fuck. Stefon Diggs and Cam Newton responded, however, putting the team on their 42-point backs. The Houston D added a fantastic 17, and Baltimore kicker, Justin Tucker, posted 12. When the dust settled, Caleb found a way to win. C Killin it K took this one from Dream Died, 106 – 99. Interesting fact: with any of three different bench substitutions available to him, Jeremiah could have won this game. With his victory, Kallander remains on top of the League, though Ericson is eating into his points lead.

Good luck to all in week 12!

Week 10 2018 Recap: Slugfest in the Middle

Week 10 arrived in our League with Quagnis firmly in control of the East and an ever-tightening tie for the lead in the West, between C Killin It K and the Untarnished Krones. The real battles in the standings are in the middle, as Dr. Vegas Mike tries to hold off Gronk ‘a’ Holic and DigBick Imhof in the East, while King Slayer and the Nordic Love Gods duke it out for third in the West.

Dr. Vegas did not fare well this week, as he ran up against G’Holic, who flexed her Robinson and Gordon all over him. Allen Robinson caught six balls for 133 yards and two TDs, netting 25 yards and the team’s MVP award this week. Melvin Gordon continued to demonstrate why he was Nicole’s first-round pick, scoring 15 points on the ground and 7 through the air. Even Nicole’s defense got in on the fun, scoring 15. It was a good performance by those three positions, and it was more than enough. Mike had only a couple guys perform up to snuff: Russell Wilson scored 26 and Keenan Allen had 11. I mean, sure, if you’re going to press me, Dion Lewis’s 6 points in the flex were okay, as were kicker Mason Crosby’s 7. Those numbers were merely okay for their positions. The rest of Mike’s team fell flat on its collective ass, and Gronk ‘a’ Holic took the win, 92 – 69.

Speaking of point totals in the 60s, dA cHaMp played host to the team that’s acting a lot like the wood chipper in Fargo—the one in the movie, not the one down your actual street—Untarnished Krones. Tyreek Hill brought in 25 for Nick, and that was almost all of his scoring. Everyone else was in single digits. It was fucking sad. There were actually three positions on Craig’s team that scored in the single digits: defense (0), tight end (3), and WR1 (8). Everyone else was lights-out. Christian McCaffrey scored 31 on Thursday night to start this game and Craig had zero worries after that. His squad put up another top-ten-all-time score, bringing his two-week total to 304 points. The Untarnished Krones more than doubled up on dA cHaMp, 143 – 65. Craig’s massive week 9 and 10 scores have tightened the points gap between him and Caleb Kallander to only 37 points. 

Caleb Kallander scored well again this week, this time against a resurgent Nordic Love Gods team coming off of three straight wins. The NLGs’ running back corps disappointed team owner Jason Gunderson this week, scoring only 14 points: Barkley with 9 and Coleman, 11. That pair had a golden opportunity this week as it turned out, as opposing RBs Todd Gurley and James Conner scored among the mortal, with 22 and 12, respectively. Gunderson’s guys blew it. His QB, Drew Brees, and wide receivers Davante Adams and Robert Woods tried to make up for the deficit, outscoring Caleb’s guys (Cam Newton, Michael Thomas, and Tyler Boyd) 56 – 39. Even Jason’s flex, kicker, and defense outscored Caleb’s counterparts. Then along came fucking Zach Ertz. Think back, if you will, to the beginning of the season. If someone were to offer you the choice of drafting a tight end you think might perform well, versus GUARANTEEING 10 points every week out of the position, nine out of ten of us would take the 10 points. (You know who you are.) That was about how Zach Ertz performed so far. He had scored 79 points on the season, 9.875 points per game. His previous high was 17 points, his low was 4. This fuckin’ guy goes out and scores TWENTY-SIX points on Monday night, sealing the deal for C Killin It K, 115 – 101 over the Nordic Love Gods. Crushing. 

With the Love Gods losing, King Slayer was primed to strengthen his grip on third place in the West. He visited Quagnis this week, who promptly said, “no.” To be sure, Quagnis’s game wasn’t perfect. He got 35 out of Roethlisberger and 29 out of David Johnson (finally!), his receivers did well with 29, and his flex and defense scored a combined 21. Pretty damn good. Team owner Eric Martens was mildly disappointed in RB Marlon Mack (4), TE Greg Olsen (also 4), and kicker Graham Gano (a measly 3). But those guys didn’t matter in the end. King Slayer got a huge performance out of Nick Chubb, who scored 32 points. Everyone else was average or worse. The Jets defense, for example, found a way to lose to Buffalo even worse than the Vikings did, 41 – 10. That gave the Jets D a fantasy score of -7 for Justin’s team. Ouch. Quagnis slayed the King Slayer, 125 – 99. On the plus side, Justin ordered a dozen new tee shirts emblazoned with the new team slogan, “Chubbies for Chubb!” Get yours today.

Toward the bottom of the League, with his playoff hopes gone, Jeremiah Walter turned to thoughts of killing the hopes of other teams as well, starting with Patrick Imhof’s. Patrick was not going down without a fight, however. RB Leonard Fournette scored 22, TE Austin Hooper had 11, Frank Gore added 10 in the flex, and even the KC defense outdid themselves, tallying 12. DigBick Imhof put up a solid game, leading 96 – 85 going into the Sunday night game. At that point, Jeremiah changed his team name from Dream Killer to Dream Died. But lo and behold, Zeke Elliot showed up with his best game of the season so far, throwing down a monstrous 30 points after being traded to the Dreamers just 8 days prior. The newly minted Dream Died beat down DigBick Imhof 115 – 100. Quick note: if Jeremiah had swapped a couple of guys with his bench players, he would have had 135. 

After all the action this week, the standings were shaken…no, just kidding. Nothing changed. Not one team moved up or down. Christ.

Week 8 2018 Recap: Big Trades, and Killin’ It Avoids the Sweep

By Jason Gunderson

The week leading up to our eighth round of contests was the first clear indicator teams are trying to bulk up and hunker down for the playoffs. Justin Walter approached his game this week without a quarterback for most of it, as both his QBs were on a bye. He dipped his toes into various trading pools over the course of several days, before finally zeroing in on a deal with Patrick Imhof. It wasn’t an easy deal, as the two sent back and forth a combined 19 trade proposals before one was accepted: Patrick gave up Carson Wentz and received Phillip Rivers—a nearly identical QB, fantasy-wise—and WR Sammy Watkins in return. 

Craig Ericson and Jeremiah Walter also got in on the swapping action, and they took their sweet time doing it. Over the course of several days, the two spoke at length about world peace, philosophy, and fantasy football. Jeremiah, coming to grips with his team’s mortality, was willing to deal some big names in order to  net some short-term gains, while Craig was clearly thinking about the long haul. It was a late deal, one the Commissioner had to push through in order for Craig to see its benefit in time. Craig gave up QB Jared Goff and WR Doug Baldwin, while Jeremiah let go of RB Jalen Richard, the Jaguars defense, and everybody’s most maddening holdout, Le’Veon Bell. Craig is hoping Bell will contribute to his playoff run, or at least hobble Caleb Kallander’s team by forcing a backfield split in Pittsburgh, between Bell and the VERY LAST pick of our 2018 draft, James Conner. 

I still can’t get over that: any one of the nine of us other than Caleb could have picked up Conner at any time, and we all got stuck in our own heads. Consider Conner going in about the middle of the draft,  maybe pick 85. That’s not unreasonable. Did anybody take him? No. Conner sat for another 74 picks. Right around pick 157,  Caleb leaned over to Mike Arnold, his carpet buddy at the draft (not that kind, Jesus, keep your mind out of the gutter, they just sat next to one another) and asked, “Hey, who’s Bell’s backup in Pittsburgh this year?” At that point, Mike realized the colossal mistake we had all made, but he couldn’t do anything about it, as he had to fill his kicker or defense spot. Prior to week 8’s games, James Conner has been Caleb’s top scorer twice, to Todd Gurley’s three times. And he was the last pick in the draft. Are you kidding me?!?


James Conner. We all wish…

Justin’s team, King Slayer, with his new third-string quarterback, played virtual host to Jason’s Nordic Love Gods this week. Jason, looking to get on the comeback trail, made a bold prediction that he would win this week, and then got a timely 20 points out of DeAndre Hopkins on Thursday night. Things were going according to plan. But Sunday is a fickle paramour in the NFL, and Jameis Winston came off Jason’s bench and took a steaming dump in the middle of the field. With corn in it. His 276 yards passing and a TD were good for 14, and he added a couple points with his legs for 16. Kind of a sad day for Jameis. Oh wait: he also had FOUR INTERCEPTIONS, bringing his fantasy total down to 8 and earning him a spot on the bench in the second half. Wentz did just fine for Justin, putting up a 21-point outing, but Justin had some woes of his own. His running back corps totaled 15 and his TE, kicker, and defense combined for a total of three points. Flex guy, RB James White, was Justin’s last chance on Monday night, and had the capability to win it. Alas, his 14 points were not enough, and this game belonged to the Love Gods, 92 – 85 over King Slayer.


DeAndre Hopkins. “You damn right I’ll catch that ball.”

Another team started off with a huge Thursday night this week, Dr. V.D….I mean Dr. V.M. Mike’s dynamic Houston duo of Deshaun Watson and Lamar Miller put Quagnis in a 49-point hole before they had a chance to roll out a single guy. Eric Martens weren’t skeered however, and he relaxed, sat back…no, who am I kidding? This one was a nail-biter, as Ben Roethlisberger underperformed with 16 points for Eric, Ju-Ju Smith-Schuster shared Ben’s woes with only 3, David Johnson continued to struggle with 9, and Kenny Golladay had an off night with only one point. On the other side, San Fran running back Rostafar Mostert could only muster a single point, while Mike’s minor skill positions, WR2, TE, and Flex, combined for 7. Gross. It was Oakland TE Jared Cook and Carolina kicker Graham Gano who won this one for Eric, as they combined for 28. Had Mostert run for two more yards and WR Mike Evans been one yard further downfield when he was hit, Mike would have won this thing. But no, Quagnis squeaked by Dr. Vegas Mike in this one, 93 – 92.


Deshaun Watson scored 30 for Dr. Vegas Mike.

Jeremiah Walter and Nick Simon slugged it out in another tight battle this week.  Jeremiah immediately rolled out his new receiver, Dough Baldwin and told him to “Get some!” Doug Baldwin didn’t get some. In fact, Baldwin and his WR partner, Alshon Jeffrey, teamed up for a total of 5 points between them, which was decidedly worse than Nick’s WR corps, which only managed an anemic 12. Those twelve points helped make up for QB Andy Dalton’s 20, which isn’t exactly bad in its own right, but Jeremiah’s QB, Andrew Luck, scored 23. The running backs were nearly identical, Nick’s scoring 38 and Jeremiah’s 39. The streaming positions were also almost identical between the two “gentlemen,” 19 for Nick and 20 for Jeremiah. It all came down to the tight ends, and Nick had the slightly better one this week. Travis Kelce caught and carried the rock for forty more yards than Eric Ebron this week, giving Nick a four-point edge at that position. That was most of the margin of victory, as dA Champ knocked off The Crown, 102 – 96.


“Do I get double points if I carry ‘em both in?” –Adrian Peterson

Two real-life superstar quarterbacks faced off across the virtual field this week as Aaron Rodgers, on Patrick’s team, faced the Rams while Tom Brady took on the Bills, playing for Nicole. Dude, Brady versus the Bills? While Rodgers faces arguably the toughest team in the NFL? Nicole had this one in the bag, yes? No. The Patriots kicked ass as expected, but Brady didn’t toss a single TD. He threw for 324 yards and 12 fantasy points. That’s it. In fact, of the three Patriots playing in this fantasy battle, Brady scored the least. The other two, kicker Stephen Gostkowski and the Patriots D, scored 13 and 17, respectively, and they both played for Patrick. Nicole had the better running backs and WR1, but it was all Patrick beyond that. The Big Man for the Dig Bick this week was WR Sammy Watkins playing in the flex, who scored 22. DigBick Imhof took home the win, 110 – 95 over Gronk ‘a’ Holic.


Sammy Watkins shows us his dig bick.

Craig Ericson’s Untarnished Krones visited Caleb Kallander’s C Killin It K in the marquis matchup this week. The Krones, 6 – 1, hoped to complete a regular-season sweep of Killin’ It, 5 – 2, and this one shaped shaped up to be a high-scoring affair. Mahomes, Kamara…Gurley, Conner…and some other guys. Whatever. Patrick Mahomes was merely great this week, posting 26 points, while Kamara hit just above his average with 19. Christian McCaffrey added 17 and New Orleans kicker, Will Lutz, posted 16. I think it’s fairly well established, however, that when playing Caleb, any team needs to be firing on all cylinders, plus injecting a little nitrous oxide into the chambers. Craig’s effort wasn’t enough. Stefon Diggs scored 17, Todd Gurley nabbed 27, and James Conner threw down for 32. Making up for a lackluster defense and kicker, TE Zach Ertz added 8, as opposed to David Njoku’s 0 for Craig. C Killin’ It K soundly defeated the Untarnished Krones, 132 – 103.


James Conner, coming through.

Side note: In Caleb’s eight games so far, James Connor and Todd Gurley have both been his leading scorer three times. The other two weeks were headlined by quarterbacks Kirk Cousins and Cam Newton. 

Another side note: It’s Raheem Mostert, not Rostafar. I was checking to see if you were paying attention.

Week 6 2018 Recap: Nordic Crushed, Krones on Top. And other Games.

By Jason Gunderson

Week 6 of our 2018 campaign arrived on the autumn wind, full of promise and pumpkin spice for some, while for others the cold chill was a bad omen indeed.

The Walter brothers squared off in one of their semi-yearly matches, Jeremiah hoping to tie Justin’s record and muddy up the middle of the division, while Justin tries to climb the divisional ladder. Le’Veon Bell is still missing from Jeremiah’s team, but frankly it wouldn’t have mattered in this one. Andrew Luck got a perfectly fine 22 points for ‘Miah, RB Joe Mixon tossed in 14, and kicker Ka’imi Fairbairn scored 8. The rest of the team put their haughty little middle fingers in the air and walked away. Four points from RB Jordan Howard LED THE WAY for the rest of the team. FOUR! WR Sterling Shepard got 3, TE Jordan Reed, 3. WRs John Brown and Antonio Callaway got 2, and the Jacksonville defense licked their middle fingers and mimed shoving them up their own asses as they scored -1. It’s a shitty situation that the most remarkable thing about this game was how hard Jeremiah’s team let him down. Meanwhile, Justin’s team did well. Marshawn Lynch fell short of expectations by scoring only 5, but the rest of the team performed at or above scratch: Matt Ryan, 27. Sony Michel, 22. Antonio Brown, 16. Hell, even the kicker, Dan Bailey, had 10. It was a fine game for Justin, as King Slayer nearly doubled up on The Crown, 104 – 57.

In an identical situation in the East, Nicole Holand took her G’Holics to face Nick Simon’s Champ, hoping to crawl one more rung up the ladder herself. Once the scores started coming in, it was clear this one had disaster written all over it for Nick, save for WR Tyreek Hill and kicker Matt Bryant. Bryant scored 13 for Nick’s squad, while Tyreek Hill put his speed on display and dialed it up to eleven. That fucker had only seven receptions, but he was clearly open as he garnered 142 yards and three touchdowns with only seven catches. Dude was all over the field. The rest of Nick’s team fell apart, though not as bad as Jeremiah’s. Nicole, however, came to play. Melvin Gordon led the way with three touchdowns and 132 yards rushing, plus another point for a sweet grab. He ended the game with 32 points of his own, and a nod of mutual respect passed virtually between Melvin and Tyreek. Tom Brady scored 21, the Baltimore defense got 19, and Adam Thielen threw in 18. Oh, and because Gronk is in her team name, we should mention that he scored 9 for Nicole. Nicole did what she came to do. Gronk ‘a’ Holic took this one from da Champ, 121 – 94, and moved ahead of Nick in the standings.

Also in the East, Patrick set out to save his heretofore dismal season by taking on Eric and the Mighty Quagnisses. Quagnis the Great? Quagniscenti? We still have no idea what a Quagnis is. Sounds like an Irish duck. Anyway, Patrick had a pretty decent game. Aaron Rodgers scored 28, which one might reasonably expect from a Pocket Legend (that’s what she said). Kareem Hunt displayed some of his 2017 brilliance on his way to 24, and the rest of the team did, well, okay. Then along came Stephen Gostkowski and said, “Climb on, boys, I’m taking us to the Promised Land.” He scored 22, an absolutely stellar performance for a kicker. Eric, meanwhile, did not fare as well. David Johnson is not having the year he had in 2016, though he is still scoring WAY more points than Le’Veon Bell. He ended with 10. RB Tarik Cohen scored 16, and JuJu scored 13. DigBick Imhof beat $Quagnis$ 100 – 74. With his win, Patrick climbed out of the bottom of the League and kept Eric from tying for the best record.

Another guy vying for the best record this week was Mike Arnold, who took his 4 – 1 team to meet Caleb Kallander’s 3 – 2 Killers. This one was another blowout in favor of Caleb: Gurley, 33. Conner, 24. Newton, 23. Boyd (who?) 18. Houston D, 21. Three of his guys didn’t bother to show up (Diggs, Fuller, and Tucker), otherwise he could have scored 160 or more. I mean…fuck. Mike tried to rally his troops, giving a rousing locker room speech before only the two Elliotts, Zeke and Jake, ran fired up out onto the field. Jimmy Graham joined them reluctantly and the trio scored 36 for Mike, over half his points. Deshaun Watson somehow managed to stay in the top 10 of quarterbacks after scoring only five points, and everyone else pretty much stunk as well. C Killin it K also nearly doubled up on his opponent, beating Dr. Vegas Mike 138 – 70. 

The Nordic Love Gods came into week 6 feeling, well, unloved, yet somehow optimistic, even though he was going against the League’s top banana, the Untarnished Krones. Jason looked at his lineup throughout the week and felt good. Craig even conceded the game might be close. Then the Thursday game came along, and with it Saquon Barkley and his 28 points. Things were looking up—way up—for the Love Gods. Then in strolled Sunday. Jared Goff, George Kittle, the Miami defense, and Ryan Succop all shit the bed, combining for 12 points. Twelve. Apparently, the Rams’ game script this week was “Let Gurley do it all. Yes, I mean all of it.” Jared Goff came away from his game with seven whole points. It was a crushing blow for Jason. Meanwhile, throughout the day, Craig’s squad slowly erased the 28-point deficit Barkley had put them in. Sure, Craig’s running backs were no good this week, as Alvin Kamara was on a bye; Christian McCaffrey and Aaron Jones combined for only 10. The rest of Craig’s team, however, went off. Mahomes, 26. Butker (the kicker), 18. Sanders, 17. It was a good game all around for the Krones. Davante Adams tried to keep the game close for the Love Gods, and indeed his 25-point performance made this the closest game of the week in our League. In the end, the Untarnished Krones became the sole possessor of a 5 – 1 record and the Nordic Love Gods became the only team to sit at 1 – 5. The final here was 116 – 97. Jason Gunderson was seen shortly after the loss in a rainy, cobblestone alley, kneeling on the ground, his arms outstretched to the sky as he yelled to the dark heavens, “Whhhhhhyyyyyyy!” A wet, grizzled dog started to sniff around his ankles, looking for a spot to pee.

Week 4 2018 Recap: The Points! All the Points!

By Jason Gunderson

Craig Ericson, GM of our Untarnished Krones, has had a rule of thumb for years: Try to get 94 points each weak. Over a thirteen-week season, that’s 1,222 points, which is pretty good. Last year, Caleb won the points trophy with almost exactly that: 1,215 points. As you can plainly see, 94 points per game would have topped all teams in last year’s points race. In fact, the average weekly score during the 2017 season was 86. In week 4, our average across the League was 106 points. 106! There was only ONE team that got fewer than 94 points, ol’ Little Dick’s, which served as the League anchor at 85. From another perspective, twice in the first four weeks have the Nordic Love Gods scored over 100, and both times they lost. There’s something in the Gatorade next to the offensive coordinators, I’m telling you.

Patrick Imhof’s DigBick Imhof played virtual host to Craig Ericson’s Untarnished Krones this week, and it was never really a game. There was an hour or two on Sunday where their point totals were about the same, but the ESPN projection never wavered from Craig’s direction. Craig tried to help as best he could by sending the Cleveland D/ST out onto the field, a move that lost him three points. But like I said, this one was never really in doubt. For the third time in four weeks, the powerhouse duo of Patrick Mahomes and Alvin Kamara scored over half of Craig’s points (a weakness?). Carlos Hyde scored 14 and Aaron Jones added 13 to help propel the Untarnished Krones to 109. Meanwhile, Kareem Hunt and Brandin Cooks were the only bright spots on Patrick’s team, with only one other person (Aaron Rodgers) scoring in double digits. He had only 14, to come in third in scoring on Patrick’s team. In the end, the Untarnished Krones clamped down on DigBick Imhof like an East German female shotputter’s Kegel, 109 – 85. Untarnished is, so far, untarnished with a record of 4 – 0.

Next up, Nicole Holand took her freaky show on the road to visit Eric Martens. This one was indeed freaky, only because the sources of both teams’ points were wack af. Quarterbacks Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger tallied some shitty numbers (18 and 14, respectively), while the RB2s on both teams combined for one whole point. One. At least Melvin Gordon and Adam Thielen were the top scorers for Nicole…Eric’s top guy was tight end Jared Cook, with 23 points. Eric’s number two was kicker Will Lutz, who put 16 points on the board for the Quags. In a phrase perhaps never uttered in an NFL game booth, “the dominant performances of the kicker and the tight end brought home the victory” for Quagnis, 107 – 94 over Gronk ‘A’ Holic.

Mike Arnold rolled up on Nick Simon this week, trying to extend his dominance in the division. Deshaun Watson and Zeke Elliott looked primed and ready to go for Mike. Nick weren’t skeered tho, as he rolled out Dalvin Cook, Javorius Allen, Julio Jones, and Tyreek Hill. Sadly for Nick, three of those guys said, “fuck you” and shit the proverbial bed. Julio Jones was the only guy who performed worth a damn, garnering 17 points. Golden Tate, a product of Catholic school in Nashville, Tennessee, took pity on Nick and tried to make up for the lack of performance from the rest of the guys, scoring a better-than-expected 25 points. On the other side, Watson and Elliott were indeed ready to go, as they put up 60 for Mike. In the end, dA cHaMp scored 104, but was edged out by Dr. Vegas Mike’s 109. With this victory, Mike joins Craig as the only unbeaten teams in the League.

Jeremiah Walter’s team looked unexpectedly strong this week as he took on Caleb Kallendar. QB Andy Dalton put up a respectable 24, and ‘Miah’s WR corps of John Brown and Sterling Shepard added 32. Even his defense and kicker did well, tallying 24. Where Jeremiah got absolutely fucked was at running back: Jordan Howard limped around the field for two, while Lamar Miller fared only slightly better, whacking a defensive tackle with his crutches on his way to four whole points. Six points total at RB1 and RB2 just ain’t going to cut it, kids. Still, Jeremiah managed to claw his way to 101 points, which was remarkable, all things considered. Meanwhile, Caleb’s team rolled again, though not with as much steam as other weeks. Kirk Cousins put up 30, Todd Gurley had 21, and Diggs added 12. If we’re going to give the game ball to a single player in this one, it goes to Gurley. C Killin’ It K defeated The Crown, 117 – 101.

The high scoring game this week went down between Justin Walter and Jason Gunderson. Justin’s team put forth a well-balanced effort, a veritable how-to of fantasy football. Was it the highest score ever? No, but it was the highest score this week, with the potential to be in the 140s—and among the league’s top 10 scores—had OBJ and the Chargers defense done their jobs. Sadly for Justin, OBJ had an anemic seven points, while the Chargers ended their game with a paltry 4. On the other side of the scoreboard, TE George Kittle was the big surprise for Jason, scoring 18 points. DeAndre Hopkins scored a nice 22, while Saquon Barkley tossed in 15. It was Drew Brees who really let the team down with only eight points. Tevin Coleman and Davante Adams virtually tied for second in the disappointment category, with seven and eight, respectively. And the Jets’ D…don’t get me started. Still, Jason somehow managed 105 points, but it was King Slayer who took this one handily, 129 – 105.

Join us next week as the Krones and Dr. Mike try to stay unbeaten against Crown and Quagnis…

(Cliffhanger, duh duh duuuuuhhhhh)

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